and you call yourself a writer?

i blamed it all to my muse for deserting me and leaving me with writer's block which is a bitch to work with. i said that's the reason why i wasn't able to submit my article on time. true. there is that. but another reason is that i'm such a talented procrastinator. and that is an even bigger problem than my writer's block. i have mentioned before that i sometimes wonder if i truly am talented as a writer. if i truly have what it takes to go on publishing. there was this article ton ton, west, and i saw at the Manila Bulletin a few weeks back. a travel column that talked about Vietnam. we were all laughing about the whole thing because it was a poor excuse of a literary work. but the painful reality for me is that she's publishing a weekly column and i am not. what am i doing instead? i am taking calls. an odd night job that becomes the regular day job and i'm not even moonlighting as anything else. not as the writer i want to be. not as the musician i wish i were. not as the artist i once defined myself to be. and ten i go back to switchfoot's question;

this is your life, are you who you want to be?

ten days after

i didn't have the time to blog out since i got back from my vacation. when i got back, i had ten consecutive days of work to fill out. i also happen to have a couple of articles to create for The Exchange. and then there was also halloween, which was one of my articles because i was covering it.

but then we have to talk about my vacation.

it was fantastic! i truly enjoyed my five days there. and i badly want to go back. for more reasons than one. i want to see chuli again, of course. we still haven't yakked enough as it is. and i didn't get to see everything, despite macau's relatively small size. i missed seeing the beach and the Westin Macau, which i heard was an attraction since it's located on a separate island, where the beach is. but i toured the place well, mind you. rhianne and chuli took me shopping at the red market the first day, thursday. and we haven't rounded the place as it is. they just brought me through some shops and made me it this humongous amount of very good lomai. on the same day, i discovered hi-c melon milk. which is a real obsession on my part because up to now i dream about the taste of it. in the evening, i went with tita lina and rhianne and went to the pink market. and on that same night i decided that every meal i take in that enclave is going to seem like my last meal. the hot pot we had that night was enough to feed a small army. i never went hungry in the whole time i was in macau. on the second day, they took me to san malo where the Ruins of St. Paul were. and were i snapped my camera phone away happily through the ruins and in the antique shop where tita loida works. we also went to the seaside that night. kiko, chuli and i drinking tsing tao beer. which, i have to say, compares poorly to san miguel. i believe that's something i'll miss here when i do move there next year. the taste of good old san mig. on saturday, tita lina and rhianne took me to zhuhai in mainland china. and i went shopping like crazy. the prices of the shoes floored me. and everyone knows i'm such a sucker for shoes. i have a kind of imeldifism in me when it comes to shoes. it's a particular vanity. so you can almost imagine me drooling when i found shoe store after shoe store offering goods as low as $15. unbelievable. i had to stop myself from shopping or i would have gone home truly broke. sunday, we went to see the lotus flower and the grand macau prix exhibit after lunching in some high class chinese restaurant that serves the best siopao i've ever had. i never knew that macau hosts a grand prix. has been hosting for years, it seems. i guess my knowledge on racing limits itself to Indy. there were a couple of cars on exhibit that i wanted to take home with me. the lotus flower was said to be gift from...i'm not sure if it's portugal or england..when macau was returned to china. it's made of pure gold. that's why it's guarded 24/7. it's just right off the only mall on that island, yao han. and yao han isn't all that big. it's probably just the size of shangri-la mall. make that the landmark. shangri-la's bigger, by far. on monday, tita lea went with us to eat at cafe e.s.kimo. it's this chain of restaurants that serves intercontinental, western, european, and asian cuisine. their strawberry milkshakes are sinful. after that, i was taken to daiso for a whole afternoon of shopping for pasalubong. the whole place is two floors of japanese imported goods and there isn't any price tag in any of them because everything costs $10 each. everything in it. amazing, isn't it? it you convert that to pesos, each item there costs 60Php. cheaper than a chicken and rice meal at mcdonald's. and they have stuff ranging from socks to bags to accessories to home goods to food items. they even have fanta in large can sizes which i brought home for myself. we had dinner that night over at tita lea's and afterwards, chuli and i did a little grocery at the royal, which is just in front of their apartment building for other last minute pasalubong. tito bobby gave me bears to take home with me. i gave the orange one to stef. and he also gave me dvds to take home beacues i was so enamored about his dvd collection. granted that most of them aren't original. but the quality of those pirated copies rival the original's. i left the next morning at 0700.

but you know why else i would truly want to go back? because of this little beautiful bundle called kyla aiesha. she's my godchild. chuli and kiko's baby. usually with us when were out traipsing in town. she truly is a piece of work. a little gurgle from her and she makes all of us happy. i wanted to take her home with me the minute i saw her. i was at the airport and she was in her yellow tweety stroller. i had half the mind to walk away with her. or probably put her in a hand-carry bag. but then chuli and kai will probably murder me. she's really pretty. like a little princess. and so sweet. half of the pictures i took in macau were of her. and whenever i look at those pictures i want to go back and just look at her. i miss her already. as much as i miss her mom. i cannot say that i'm great with kids. but aiesha was so well-behaved she makes me feel i'm doing the right things when i'm watching her. i didn't want to hold her because i might break something. but i did get to carry her a couple of times. it's sounds crazy, but she's the kind of baby that brings out the motherly instinct in you. not that i truly believe i have one. she's just that likeable.

fantastic, isn't it?

i don't really have enough time or energy to write more so i guess the halloween event as well as the shift bid and the rest of what's happening in my world gone mad is going to have to be written the next time i log in.

where is faith?

i'm in macau. i just wanted the world to know that.

proof of the existence of a divine being

There is a God.

that's something i realized or re-realized (if there is such a thing) this afternoon. i've been on my toes this last two days since i applied for a passport. i was informed that you need two valid IDs to be able to claim your passport. and i am lacking in that department. all i really have for identification is my company ID. that's it. i don't have an SSS ID. i don't have a license. i don't even have a postal ID. so there i was tettering on the edge of self-recrimation all because of an identification card or the lack thereof, which i needed in an amount of two days, when it occured to me that i can get a postal ID in a day. that was option number 1. then i could also apply for a student's permit since it has a picture that goes with it. which became option number two. or i could get an NBI clearance when all else fails. which, of course, falls to option number 3. but two things hindered my undertakings. one, i work a night shift. two, i'm the worlds' biggest perpetual procrastinator. the night shift factor meant that i'm usually in slumber on hours that are considered normal working hours. and i fall short on trying to time everyting because i seem to like to do everything in a rush. which becomes the explanation for my tardiness.

the postal ID became out of the option when i realized i don't really know where the city post office is. and i really wouldn't care to know. i knew where the post office of another city is because it's right across the street from where i work. and my mom said, on this i believed her, that you have to get your postal ID from your own city. i valiantly tried to get a student permit then. i didn't even sleep the day through. in fact, i went on endshift the night before when there wasn't truly anything i'm meaning to do. just so i could sleep through the shift and compensate for the coming day when i'll be staying awake till the morning after. i got to the LTO office two hours before the appointed time of my passport pickup. i could have been there earlier, hadn't i been stopped by a humongous traffic. a traffic that will become the almost ruin of my day and my efforts. once i got there, i immediately asked for a form and proceeded to fill it up (i was stuck with the space for weight in kg for a minute because can't even tell how much i weight in pounds much more in kilograms). but when i proceeded to pass the form, grateful that i have a photocopy of my birth certificate, ID pictures (from the passport application), and my TIN number. but when i looked the requirements over, it said original copy of birth certificate with photocopy. i was stumped. i don't go around carrying my birth certificate, you know. the paper used for it is a veritable antique and i wouldn't risk it with the polluted air of manila. so i asked the even more veritable antique male behind the counter if the photocopy would suffice. but he said no. in the most superior tone he could muster. no, madam. that can't do. i wanted to grab his collar and strangle him. but eternally polite, i just said thank you and left. having less than two hours to get to DFA in time, i decided to just ride a cab and risk the lack of ID since all else failed and that included a chance to even try for an NBI clearance.

and what happened after? i went through seven stages of hellish traffic. that's what happened. the cab turned to Roxas Blvd. 20 minutes to closing. and he nearly got me late because he had this absurd notion that i was going to the Japanese Embassy. or was that the Taiwanese Embassy? i don't know. but i specifically told him DFA. i don't know which letter he didn't understand. i nearly tripped getting in since the steps where wet from the recent downpour. and i was in front of the counter with ten minutes to spare. i was ready to give an exceptional narration i prepared during the very long and very irritating cab ride about why i'm showing up with just one ID. but the guy behind the counter just took my reciept, looked for my passport from the bundle, looked at my picture there, then at me, had the gall to ask me if it was my child (albeit in a joking manner), made me sign some doggerel, then handed me what i came there for. that was it. no explanations. no pressures. he didn't even ask to see an ID. when i realized that i wouldn't have to put up a fight to claim my own passport, i couldn't help myself. i had to grin. the cheeky, plucky, cheshire cat-type grin.

so you see? There is a God.

now i have to think of the plane ticket.

resolution

i started writing here believing i could actually make this the last thing i write about him. but no. three sentences and i'm a goner. i still can't let go. i'm supposed to give up on this. it has been what? ten thousand years? i'm exaggerating. but still, it has been so long ago anyone with a quarter of a brain would know that it's time to move on. that i should have moved on. and for a while there i really, truly believed i have. but again, no. i can't look back and not linger. i can't reminisce about what have been and not feel the painful betrayal. not that i was truly betrayed. that's part of the thing that would boggle anyone who hears me ranting about this five-year old dilemma. there wasn't any part in history where i could be placed under the betrayed category. how could i? we never went that far. he cheated first before we got there. and here i thought you get the girl first then you cheat afterwards. but then it's still too late for me. i was already blindly in love. stupid wretch that i am.

i need to find the resolve to get over this. to get over him. i've been happy about myself once. after the sunset that gave me my sunrise taught me how to be. and going back to dwelling in the pain have been too easy. probably because i've lived in it for so long it seems like second nature to me. but i have learned to let go of the drama for one time. i have learned to live. albeit in pretense of happiness. but i have learned that for a while. and i found that although i have been comfortable in living with that pain, the lightness of living in happiness was more exalting. and although a part of me believes i do not truly deserve that happiness, i still yearn to experience it in my existence. and even if it might seem naive, i know in that happiness i can start searching for my contentment. and finding that will stop me from being a glorious disappointment.

octoberfest

last week was a bit of a turmoil. impertinence happening when you least expect it and from whom you least expect it from. bad callers just when you thought you weren't taking calls for the night (lo an' behold, must be your QA day). the tv failing you and you realize you can't watch anything or even hear anything because your only player will only work with a tv output. being declined for your credit card application just when you realize that you need one (sayang ang miles!). seeing your payslip slowly deteriorating to nothingness every other week. and capping it all off with 68 hours of no sleep. it's a good thing there's always beer.

we promised ourselves beer would be essential if come friday night and we won't have endshift VTO. we spent the whole day friday being glorified mall rats. me, lala, reign and ace. so beer has to happen if endshift didn't. so off we go come morning after breakfast at kfc to digi's. the midnight oil people's choice of recreation because they have practically everything on 24/7. the day proved to be entertaining. not only was lala able to give deric his gift (and old rose jimmy hendrix shirt i'd love to have myself). not only did we amuse ourselves by doing the mandatory videoke. not only did we all diss about love and it's after effects when messed with alcohol (all of us seemed to be singles, except for reign and grace). not only did we suddenly sober up when grace's boyfriend texted her saying he's outside her apartment for a surprise visit when she's out "doing grocery." not only did santi perk us up with her unending number of jokes. but the other table staged a lovapalooza. couples kissing and eating each other up right beneath the widescreen vidoeke, just for everyone to see. their love story unfolded right before our very eyes. the interesting part is that none of them seemed to be couples before they started drinking. ah...the illusions that alcohol create. i hope they don't regret it when they wake up.

it just dawned on me that we did open up the octoberfest. yesterday was october 1. start of the month-long celebration for the concoction that we all love and call beer. i guess i still have a social life after all. although i must admit, i don't really have much money these days.

oh well, you can't have it all now, can you?

i wish..

i wish i were a better writer. i wish i could somehow feel that i'm still a so-called artist. i wish i still have the passion to feed my soul with words of prose and poetry. i wish a song could still satisfy my hunger for the madness of music. i wish i could still play the canon. i wish that depression is still a way to completely understand life and the existence of pain. i wish i hadn't underestimated the world and the sinking realities it shows me everyday. i wish i had it in me to believe. i wish i were back to being the little idealistic twit who believed that life can be altered when you pursue the dream with enough passion to topple down a kingdom. i wish i was still that naive. i wish i hadn't realized that although money isn't what makes you happy, it contributes much for your welfare. i wish i don't feel like i'm failing somewhere. because this life and this world is beginning to disappoint me. and what's worse is that i'm beginning to disappoint myself.

retrospection

this entry was imported from my former blog. written as the date states. i just want to remember. remember that this is something i shouldn't forget.

Monday, November 24, 2003

i haven't updated anything on ff for the simple reason that i don't have anything to upload. i have been having bouts of unexplainable retardation lately. blame it to all my new habits. the violin has been taking up an excessive amount of my time. i actually feel like i'm beginning to have a relationship with it..scary...
plus..well..this times when i just sit and think if i'm actually any good as writer. there are times when you feel like you are so mused that you could probably write the oracle. there are other times though, when you feel like another realm just begins to envelope you. at times i wonder if this sort-of regression is just another phase..or is it an introduction to a different plane? now that i actually haven't been as stagnant as i used to be, i am again beginning to get confused. my life before this, before the life-altering three months i spent in bicol, was all about my carousel. it involved nothing much more than my writings. my moving, yet not going anywhere. for about a year, i spent my life in this kind of trance.
and then i got myself someone who i didn't care much about, but cared about nonetheless, who in someway, actually taught me how to believe. it's strange because i realized everything that person actually did to me just now. i was never the person who lived to regret the things i did. i had this philosophy that regretting one thing is regretting everything that comes after that. it's therefore regretting the rest of your life. when i left, i didn't regret what happened. i thought of it as a learning experience. (don't use anyone for the sake of experience. karma comes in threefolds..that sort of stuff.) what i didn't realized then was he was probably the lesson i was looking for. with him began a turning point in my life. only now, do i realize that knowing someone actually believed in you that much elevates your belief in yourself. if i never went through that experience, i wouldn't have changed anything my old life offered me. i would still have my carousel.
i am actually grateful i learned to forgo whatever inhibitions i had before i got back. it was as if, i left all of it in bicol. which was a good thing granted that i am pretty much happy with who and what i am right now. there are so many things i learned about how my life works because of him. how much of myself i devote to other people regardless of the fact that i insist on being selfish. he taught me how my devotion won't help those people i care about.
in moments like this, i tend to miss him. my insights in living has somehow influenced the way my friends' minds works. in him i found someone i could share my ideas with and with whom i lifted insights from. it was as if i found someone whom my friends saw in me. and sadly, i know i'll never find another one like that again.
but still..no regrets. because that was one of the things i already knew before i met him and agreed with him. that in life, you shouldn't have regrets. i just hope he finds someone he could share a sunset with again.

posted at 17:41

the written

i looked over my unattended blogs just now. not that there's many of them. just a couple of pages i used to excercise my so-called talent online. one was, how do i say it? it was going through the motions. quite literal. it only mentioned the what, the when, the where and the how. never the why. sometimes it does. specially when i wrote about drew. but not so much later. actually, i wrote quite profusely in that blog. putting in every insight i have on a certain manuscript. maybe because it as the only blog i had back then. and back then, no one else i knew went blogging. then after that i went through phases i wouldn't want to relish. but still, i sat and endured reading through it all. as painful as it may seem.

the other blog, was even more painful. for it only contained narratives, stories i wrote or read, poetry, and song lyrics. it made me go back to those days. but then, i'm happier now, ain't i? am i? i'd like to believe so. somehow, not truly. but i suppose we all live carrying the demons we try to shun away everyday.

i thought of writing for those blogs again. i never truly had comments posted on those blogs because i didn't permit it. but i did recieve emails from people who've read them and had been touched or moved or pained or all of the above. but then, i suppose it's best to leave it that way. the only way time i'll probably go back to filling the lank spaces in that blog is when i go back to publishing.

and that, is even farther from where i wish to be.

simmer and boil over

there are certain things coffee does to you. true, the caffeine doesn't truly work on me anymore. but everytime i sit down in a coffee shop with a friend, after an hour or so, you can expect strange topics to come up. stranger even are the amount of things you realize and the things you're keeping at the back of your mind that you're trying hard not to notice. like coffee, it brews on the surface until it bubbles over. then you'll have no other choice but to take it off the fire and examine.

i do believe that i no longer have to grieve. i have been there. it has been years since. we now walk different paths. our roads no longer cross. but nothing's ever truly over. as luis bayani said, life isn't linear. it does't just consist of beginning, middle, and end. it continously evolves. so much so as that you're never truly starting anything. you just belong in this great big vicious cycle called the circle of life. and this damning circle of life will always bring you back to places where you thought you'll never go again. back to the wharf of pain and endless anxiety. i know that i belong again to my medea when i start with these verses. it's so much better when my prose consists of endless rantings. it somehow symbolizes that i am okay. i'm i control. but when i start spouting poetic prose, then there's something wrong.

it all began with an innocent comment on the six-degrees of separation. and then a single surname. then the world comes tumbling over. a common surname that belongs to our past. a name that continous to haunt us both. and much as we hate to admit it, has as much control over us than we'd care to notice. then suddenly you realize things like, you loved him. for at least one fleeting moment then, you did. you truly did. you just never said it. then the moment passed you and you're not even willing to go back to try. and what's even more bothering is that even though you made yourself build this facade of strength. this face that says i have moved on, when people ask you questions, you just start thinking and realize you're still puny for him. a slave wrapped around his little finger.

the more depressing realization is that you've left with no choice but to move on. for he must have certainly moved on. after all, it has been years. and you have showed him, haven't you? you chose this place. and the bitter part is that you no longer want to prove you can. for this time, you no longer care whether your pride goes into pieces. you just want to let it all go. let them simmer and boil over. never mind that you'll risk losing face. at least you've unburdened this load. but you're wiser too late. and it doesn't matter much to him anymore. not as much as it does to you.

music and madness

i went to big sky last night with some friends to watch a gig after what seems like ten thousand years. i haven't been to a gig since i went to city jam that one time with lala. and though it was entertaining, it wasn't as enjoyable as the ones like last saturday. maybe because narda was there. and i'm a slave for narda. i get totally enraptured whenever i watch them perform. maybe because their vocalist is so entertaining to watch. she pulls out all the stops in performing live. doesn't hold herself off from the audience. is very receptive as performer, and she truly puts herself into the song. it might take me a hundred words to explain all these, but you'll never get as much explanation as you can as watching them yourself. if you do, then you'll know what i'm talking about.

there were days before when a week won't pass without me seeing someone peform live. be it some known band or just some run of the mill banda-bandahan. those days are, of course, long gone. most nights i used to spend circulating the live music scene is now spent talking to all sorts of strangers. it's odd really. i know i'm happier when i'm out on gigs or coffee shops discussing philosophy, religion, life, love, art, tragedy, and everything else with friends. but no one gets paid doing that, right? so instead, i work. to sustain a healthy, well-provided life. but what's a healthy life without the happiness? what would all the health do to an unhappy spirit? it keeps it living. but it doesn't keep it alive.

doesn't quite make sense now, does it?

between willy and mickey

watched charlie and the chocolate factory last saturday. and i still marvel at the way johnny depp mesmerizes me. he was brilliant as willy wonka. sure, i have my biases but then i'm not the only one singing his praises this time. it's such a joy movie that i'm still giddying up to it whenever i recall it.

my first week in pulubi mode for the sight of mickey mouse in chinese regalia. the only gratifying thing i did with my money for the last week is watch johnny depp parade on a big screen in red merlot coat and cha-cha heels. for the next three months, i'll be forgoing every folly i've been known to indulge just so i could find myself in boker mode with the mascots in hong kong and my by then newborn inaanak in macau.

so help me God.

so this is what you call a vacation?

i'm on a five-day sabbattical from work and here i am spending the third day in an internet cafe staring at a computer when i've sworn to myself a couple of weeks ago that on this weekend, i will not look at a computer. not even so much as glance at it. this weekend will be devoted to a real vacation. i planned to be in vigan this weekend. spend it going through the old stone roads and get things quiet. no callers. no computers. no hassles. no worries. i should have known from experience that nothing ever goes the way i planned it to go. my life's a bitch.

where'd summer go?

thirty minutes ago it was sweltering. and i felt ridiculous carrying a jacket. now, the jacket makes sense. and the sando i have underneath it seems ridiculous. i haven't slept in nearly twenty-four hours. and i'm taking the fact that i don't have work tonight for granted that's why i chose to spend the morning having a productive discussion with lala and spending most of the early afternoon strollng inside the mall. and even when i got home, i still eluded sleep. i watched a film, then another one until it was time to leave again. now here i am and my lids are hardly holding up.
and it's raining bloody hell outside. suddenly, it's june. and suddenly, summer's gone. despite the fact tht this is my birth month. i don't particularly like june. it's unpredictable as hell. when it shines, it truly shines till you feel sweat beads on your forehead right after you finish shower. and when it rains, it pours.
now it's june and it's raining. it's raining like there's no tomorrow. it ain't stopping too.

green also stands for envy

why is it that what normally makes people proud of you are the same things that makes the same people so freakingly intimidated by you. ever since i started working, i never imposed myself on anyone. i never gave out money and told them they owe me. i'm the worst lending business that never started. if that were the business i'd venture in, i'd file bankruptcy before i even start. i have no future in credit and collection. now, i'm wondering why certain people feel i'm getting things in my head just because i have a job. punyeta.

i'm not even supposed to be doing this. i stand to be corrected, but i seem to remember that i'm still supposed to be spending these days as a struggling education specimen for the colleges. i got here by sheer accident. and the reason i'm staying is because i want to go back to being that specimen. i want to finish that part of my existence.

when i was living the life of a sabbatical bum, nobody seemed to mind that there's nothing happening to my existence except myself. now that something productive is happening, people starts getting bugged. and in turn, starts bugging me.

i'm thinking maybe i should resign. i needed the work because i needed the money. but i was doing okay without it. true, i wasn't much of a contribution to society, but no one seemed to mind. except me, that is. and what the hell does my opinion matter when there are two people who think i'm too smart for my own good? and too damned proud as well. i may plead guilty to the second part, i never denied that out of the seven sins, it is pride that seems to manifest itself best in me. but i thought this was also the same thing that would make them proud of me. what is it they want out of me anyway? to be a glorified poser? someone who'll do what they think i should do because "it's better for me" or it "fits me well?" since when did they write the book about me? i never did anything that would satisfy anyone but myself (i also happen to be rotten selfish. not a very nice person, am i?). what makes them think i'd start now?

punyeta talaga.

++++++

"Success breeds contempt"

-The Last Don by Mario Puzo

what's happening?

twenty minutes to spare and update my alternate universe about the things going on in my otherwise fruitless existence. chuli is already in macau. did i mention that she's also already pregnant? and married? we've always known that she was going to be the first among us who'll brave the waters of domesticity. we just never thought it was going to be four days after her graduation. i should be pissed, generally. because this affects my life in more ways that's obvious. this marks the beginning of the turn of my social life. gone will be the days of hanging out with her in bars drinking, smoking, and listening to good music. she'll be spending them mostly feeding the baby. facilities we visit now ought to be baby-friendly. but then i'm not even sure she and kai will be settling here. she's already in macau. and kai will follow her once his papers are finished. and they'll come back in december for the baptism. but then, they'll go back there as well. i guess, i have to leave out that we won't be seeing much of each other anymore after this.
my mom told me that people never truly stay in your life. they just pass through you like the wind. every now and then they come back. the frendliest once, stay long. but all of them leave you at one point or another. i know that. but it's a little hard to accept it when you've somehow expected some things to remain the way they are. not that i expect time to freeze at this moment and stay like this for the rest of my godforsaken life. i just never thought that any of my friends would be settling somewhere else other than here. we'd leave each other for some time. a few months at most. but we'll always go back home. we'll call each other at the end of a trip and badger each other to meet up at a coffee shop and stay for hours talking, laughing, keeping up, hanging out. one pack of cigarettes making way for another, and servings of coffee doubling up and dwindling to water, till the sun sets and we decide to spend the night still yakking elsewhere or doing something a little of,f like bike riding at ccp or going all the way to tagaytay for another coffee.
the first one already gave up single status life for the married one. soon, someone else will be stepping up the banter. until life moves so swiftly, you won't realize the time you spend with your friends are time you spend with your kids tagging along. maybe this is the foreboding thing i have been trying to decipher for the past days. maybe that is what's making me anxious lately. but i can't really tell.

dumdedumdedum...

after 10 moths of living the rat race life, here i am contemplating the next turn of my career. i've been bothered by true accounts i've read and heard recently who've been through the age i envied and used to define as the golden years. it's strange, but most people don't seem to end up they way they planned to end up. mitch albom, author of 'tuesdays with morrie' wanted to be a professional piano player. he became a sportswriter instead. in a book i've recently read, where there was a scene of a high school reunion, one mentioned graduating from management and currently working as an insurance agent. another who graduated dentistry, was a succesful tiangge-owner in Greenhills. a friend of mine in training also graduated from dentist school. she resiged after 4 months only to work in another call center. a couple of my team mates finished engineering. someone i know on the floor is even a certified public accountant. but none of us works in a field we all planned to work for. it's strange that you start out carving a place for yourself in this world and yet the tides bring you somewhere else.
i never imagined that my first job to be something like this. truth be told, it never occured to me that i would venture into something outside of my field. i've always thought that i'll stay in the frenetic world of liberal arts. i figured that if i didn't become a lawyer, i'd probably work in advertising or in events or work in publication. i had illusioned myself to end up with a job that i like. i never got that. i never went far enough to finish college even. not yet, at least. but then, it's a little hard to be persevering when the fates have it against you. it's easy to map out a life that seems idyllic to you. but it's never easy working for it. few people actually end up achieving it. and these days i fear that i don't have the discipline or the courage to keep trying to achieve it. funny how i used to believe i had enough passion in me to drive myself to gain everything i've always planned for. now, i'm not so sure.
i wonder where these tides will take me. or if they'll ever stop moving me too much to make me work thing the way i want them rather than they deciding it for me. i've always thought that you become what your decisions make you. in a way, it still proves true. but the world's grand stage may have other things in mind, and sometimes it's not really a decision about how you'll live, but how you'll survive. and living is quite different from surviving. they intertwine, but they're not the same.

homebound

it's a new year and i'm off with a new agenda. just before 2004 ended stef showed me a house in greenwoods which i totally fell in love with. you see, stef's family is moving to greenwoods in about a week or so, and they have already found their house after about two years of unfaltering search. among their scouts, they found this corner house that they call greenhouse because it's painted with minty green. very mellow to the eyes. it looks like a southern plantation house with the boarded walls and roofed windows. and white picket fences. i loved it. so much that i decided to have my own house in a matter of two to three years. so every novelty i've been eyeing the last months would take a backseat for my house. i know i will not be able to get the louisiana house. but i've decided that i will get a house. i know this sounds like a flight of fancy. a thing i'll obsess over for the time being. but after all the things i've gained after working for the last year, i realized that none really seemed gratifying. i mean, true, there's nothing like wearing a whole outfit you bought yourself out of your own money. but there wouldn't be anything as gratifying as a house that's all mine. a place where i could escape monotony and the rat race. i've started saving. the only thing i'm spending on for the next few months will be my phone bill. which i plan to keep for good reason. beyond that will be frugal living. i really pray this isn't another flight of fancy. because i need something to drive me to continue on. and i still want to go back to school, you know. i just hope it won't be too late for me.