something good

something good's going to happen.  i'm not sure what it is.  i'm not even sure when it'll happen.  all i know is it's something good.  something i've been waiting to happen even if i'm not sure what i'm waiting for.  i was losing hope yesterday.  last night i was praying for something to keep my hope up longer.  i prayed that i wouldn't welcome the new year feeling so helpless.  and hopeless.  and when i woke up today, i just started feeling a sense of anticipation.  like you can't wait for something to happen.  something good.  something really good.  and i haven't even gotten to my coffee yet.  i guess that answers my prayers.  it's not just keeping my hopes up.  it's keeping me in good spirits. 

i've decided this morning that this coming new year will be welcomed without grudges.  i've decided to forgive.  but forgetting will be something a little harder to achieve.  but i won't be carrying my shitload to the next year.  and i'm not going to make a conscious effort to be happy, as i previously decided.  i'll be happy.  period.  the rest of my life is waiting for me somewhere around the new bend.  and i can't wait to meet it. 

 

sucking at something i'm supposed to be good at

and so i disappoint myself.  for the first time i managed to disappoint myself in something i'm supposed to do so well.  grand.  call it bragging, but i've always been good with words.  and they've always been good to me.  but at the time i needed this facility the most, it failed me.  and so i failed myself.

the interview was satisfactory.  but it wasn't excellent.  i know i said the right things.  i know i gave the right answers.  but somehow, they made me feel like i was doing something right.  and it makes me wonder if it was just me?  or is it them? 

i'd want to continue writing about this.  but then, that's not really gonna change anything.  and so life goes on.

the night that was

i got drunk last night.  lynne and i met up monette over at san malo.  initially, we planned to just have coffee since the temperature was down to 15 degrees.  but when we got over to al's diner at fisherman's wharf, no one was asking for coffee.  it's freezing out there by the harbor but we asked for san miguel draft.  by the bucket.  and what made us stay was watching this all-Filipino band play.  when you get somewhere else and see these people play, you give more respect for show bands because you can imagine how hard it is to live your dream far from home.  they even got lynne and monette to jam.  but not me.  i don't perform in public.  i figured we might be drinking a bucket over just to unwind.  but then one bucket turned to two, then two buckets turned to three, and then the bucket became tequila.  my rule number one in drinking is never to mix hard liquor with beer.  i told lynne and monette i wasn't going to take a shot of tequila.  but then i ate up all i said.  down, one shot went.  afterwards, the guy behind the bar got us into talking.  he liked us so much he mixed up kahlua with something else and served us all a jigger.  two for me since he figured i should be getting drunk.  we thought he was a bartender, turns out he was the manager.  and he ended up handing us application forms for their bar.  funny, you learn a lot on some people while your getting your ass drunk.  monette and lynne said they weren't drunk yet.  but i knew i was drunk.  so when they wanted to get in the sands, well, i said i can't put up a straight face in there.  but then, off to sands we go.  they ordered beer for them and i insisted coffee for me.  but that was after i barfed on the bar.  yep.  didn't quite made it to the washroom.  i didn't want to go to the washroom anyway.  the vomit was too close over my throat.  i wouldn't have made it to the washroom.  even more embarrassing was puking all over the pits.  so i settled for the bar.  strange thing is, i didn't make a mess.  we wiped everything with tissue and i didn't even have stain on my clothes.  after they finished their beer they must have believed i was truly drunk so we went home.  we slept over at hoi pan.  lynne and i didn't want to wake up the locals at sun yick since it was 3am.  we're back at sun yick now.  and lynne's nursing a hangover.   me?  i puked all my hangover by the sands' bar last night. 

three libras

do you know why i have a perfect circle's three libras on my homepage?  sure, i love the band.  and i love the song as well.  but the reason why i love that song is because it's my song for everyone who turns out to be a disappointment.  a sort-of reminder.  when i posted that, i have myself told never to expect anything from people anymore.  as peyton so famously said, "people will disappoint you.  i know that.  i expect that."  but then recently, i have just been disappointed again.  and not because i expected anything from that person.  it's because i trusted. 

trust.  now there's a big word for me.  i'm not much of a trusting person.  ironic since my name speaks so much of it.  but then i was failed too early in life.  i burned much too soon to establish a belief in people.  so i carefully choose the people i trust.  the one's i'd entrust my life to.  because they will be the same people who's lives i will take by my hand and hold close to me.  it's quite difficult to trust as you go along just as the last one has failed to keep it sacred.  but then they show you so much of themselves and you actually believe that this depth of soul they show you is who they really are.  and then they fail just as grandly.  it's like a pile of dominoes that falls as one mistake crashes into the other.  everything just then becomes another pile of pieces to pick. 

i thought that i trusted enough to be understood.  but then, as that song goes.. "difficult not to feel a little bit/disappointed and passed over/when i looked in your eyes and see/see you naked but oblivious/but you don't see me.." 

i decided to put out that song soon from my page.  i have enough scars to remind me as it is.  i wouldn't need that song much anymore.  people will definitely disappoint you anyway.  what's the point of trying to avoid it when it'll come get you sooner or later?  but i'm leaving everything else that comes with that pain behind.  the regrets and the disappointments.  and the people. 

here i am expecting just a little bit

too much from the wounded.

...

ever since i switched to blogger beta, none of my blog entries get cross-posted in my multiply.  pssh...  i never wanted to use blogger beta.  but that system forced me to.  grr..  i guess to everyone out there who wants to know how i'm doing out here so far, just click on my blog link.

 

behind the shades and beneath the cap

the brave ones have landed. this needs a big step from a little foot. and i've never tested my strength like this before. waving goodbye from the shuttle to my family and a few close friends, i looked at them smiling with aviator shades on my face under a mcdonald's cap ton gave me. and i was crying. i never thought i'd hate leaving them this much. lynne and i didn't talk much after the bus left megamall. we never said a word even while i was eating my aloha burger. the first thing i said to break the silence, "para kong ibibitay." i had a meal i liked but i was crying as i ate it. then stef texted me eveything that made me cry even more. lynne and i realized what it was like to endure leaving everything you love behind. and i salute to them. because it takes a lot of strength. and i have never been this brave.

moving forth with a brave face

i've come full circle in accepting that i wouldn't be where i am right now if i wasn't meant to be here. i believe that wherever this journey is leading me, it's where i'm supposed to be. i've doubted this, but i have had this rare bouts of gut-feeling that this is something i'm supposed to do. this is something that's supposed to happen. i trust in that belief. so, i will face an unknown world both brave and scared. i've never taken risks in my life. and the fact that i'm doing one now, is one of those stories i'll live to tell in my older years.

look beyond yourself and something's bound to surprise
you.

sinking in

i never thought this would be so hard. i never foresaw that taking a great leap of fate was going to be so taxing. or painful. when i handed my resignation in last friday, i was grateful that i wasn't going to take calls for another day. but when my teammates started to say goodbye and tell me how much they'll miss me, i started to get sad. but the real blow was when i handed in my badge and ID. i would never go back this way again. i wasn't going to enter this building again as an employee. i wasn't going to do the same nightly ritual i did for two and a half years. i wasn't going to see the people i grew familiar and loved through those years. i was moving out of the comfort zone. something brave to do. but something that makes me sad. this is the price of moving forward. i'm going to be brave and face the world, what it has to offer me, at the expense of the people i grew to care about.

life really is peculiar. it doesn't give you everything all at the same time. when someone's wish comes true, someone else will be crying. and in this case, that same someone is me. i wish i could say that i'll be leaving without regrets. but i'll be leaving behind people who mattered to me. seeing my bestfriend last saturday was even more unnerving than leaving the company i worked for. something really good is happening to her these days, and she says she's never been happier. but the pessimist in her comes out because she believes that this happiness has a price. and the price is losing me. i tell her not to think that way. but then that's not going to stop me from leaving, right?

we have to lead lives that will be stories we'd be proud to tell in our old age. and i know that this life i've lead the last two years will be a part of that story. i feel that if i don't leave, the story will not end as happily as i'd like it to end. that somehow, i'm going to miss the best parts of my life. and i don't want them to just pass me by. i don't want the world to unravel when i wouldn't be there to see it. but to see the world with my eyes open and it laid down before me, i have to break away. i have to leave people behind and fare through it on my own with a bravery i have yet to find in me. i've learned all this. i know all this. i understand all this. but then, understanding isn't the hard part. it's accepting all of it that's the hardest. and somehow, i'm still trying to get through that.

just when

just when you believe you're already okay, you look beyond yourself and then the world surprises you. you're not okay. you're just living through the pain because there's no other way but to. lately, i have innumerable urges to cry. and that is a wonder to me because i have somehow trained myself to not to. what can be so sad about my existence right now that i have no other alternative?

everything is sad about my existence right now. just before i'm leaving it all, i'm starting to think that i'm not much of a loss. you evaluate the value of your existence and you come lacking. i don't think anyone intended to become the worst replica of themselves. we come out into this world thinking we will be the best we can be, but more or less we end up being the shit of our existence. we try our damnable hardest to excel and later on realize that we've been chasing after the wrong good things after all. in all the times i've been depressed, i have learned to be comfortable about being sad. but the sadness this realization evoked in me was beyond what i can live through. it's no only sad, it also happens to be painful.

i have never questioned whatever kind of trial fate threw on me. i somehow figured out that these things were the things that would make you strong. on all those shits i've gone through, i never once questioned why. experiencing life was enough answer. i was never one to ask God why. why me. why now. why not, right? and then lately i see that the same strength i was building from all those shit is the same strength that makes me less human. it's the same end where all that's bad of me grew from. and then i ask myself, this is your idea of strong? pity.

for the first time in my life, i pitied myself. i pitied the girl who became me. the girl who learned to be so strong that she hardly ever cried. the same girl who learned to be strong that she never had to have anyone else take care of her. the same strong girl who fended off on her own that she expected everyone else were the same. the same one who becomes selfish enough to think only of herself because no one else happened to be selfless. so she had to be strong. the price of one's own strength. you're not even bound to realize the sadness of your existence. just when you believe you're already okay.

in a word, redemption

we all live through our own tragedies. each person is a story. and each story has it's own tragedy. how we face these tragedies is what makes each story unique. to each his own, so they say.

the last series i watched with uninhibited abandon was Mars. it stars vic zhou and barbie hsu, of meteor garden fame. it's not a sequel, if that's what you think. it's a totally different drama about two people living trough their tragedies and trying to get over them. trying to find a way in this life to forget and move on. trying to find, in a word, redemption. it was explained early in the series why it's caled mars. after the god of war. known to be temperamental and vindictive. but despite all that, he is also the god who helps people get through their tragedies. the god of redemption. and these two characters, chen ling and han qui luo, happen to be seeking for their own mars. someone who'll help them through their tragedy. someone they'll find in each other.

the series first caught my attention because, chen ling plays a biker. the real kind. the kind who races for speed. and since i have my history with bikers, i couldn't help but watch. just sit and watch. and the fact that vic zhou is yummier here than he ever was in meteor garden didn't hurt very much. as the story progresses and you acquaint yourself more with their stories, i realized that this series was proving itself far better than i expected. every character had a story to tell. every tragedy of their own. and sooner or later, you symphatize, even just a little, for them. as what chen ling's father said. in our life, we have good memories and bad memories. but somehow, it's the bad ones that linger more than the good ones. it's the sad part of our stories that affect us more. and sometimes, it affects us so much that it's the demon inside us we're fighting off already. and the even sadder part is that a lot of times, this demon wins. and we try to fight it each time it beckons. until you've fought it all that you have no more strength but to give up. and there isn't even glory in that. and who amongst us hadn't had any downfall?

i related to the characters in way that anyone would have. maybe a little bit more because there where times when i was watching that series that i felt sadder because i was watching someone familiar. mainly because he was a biker. he wasn't as violent as chen ling. in truth, i never saw him hit anyone. he didn't have that much issues. he had dreams besides racing on the track. and he never colored his hair. but seeing something similar in them wasn't hard. and maybe it just made me miss him. more so because i was seeing something i could have had.

as for mars and finding redemption, it couldn't possibly have hit closer to home.

the cases of criminal minds


i've been introduced to CBS's Criminal Minds since yesterday and i am officially hooked. It's a series that runs in the line of CSI. The difference between them is that CSI deals with forensics and the agents in Criminal Minds are profilers. CSI tries to find out how the murders happen. Criminal Minds looks to answer the why's. Mostly, they deal with serial killlers. And you'll be surprised just how sick someone can get. And how deep you have to dig to find out the reason why people get so psychotic. What makes Criminal Minds fascinating is that they have back-up research from true cases. Which means that at one time or another, someone who lived, some real, was actually living like their unsubs.

unbelievable, isn't it? As theey say, fact is stranger than fiction.

deep river

Ten to ten wo tsunagu you ni

Sen wo egaku yubi ga nazoru no wa

Watashi no kita michi soretomo ikisaki

Sen to sen wo musubu futari

Yagate minna umi ni tadoritsuki

hitotsu ni naru kara

Kowakunai keredo

Oh oh ikutsu mono kawa wo nagare

Wake mo kikazu ni

Ataerareta namae to tomo ni

Oh oh subete wo ukeireru nante

Shinakute ii yo

Watashitachi no itami ga ima

tobidatta
That's why...That's why I chose you

Ken to ken ga butsukariau oto o

Shiru tame ni takusareta ken ja nai yo

Sonna mujun de

dare wo mamoreru no

Oh oh Nando mo sugata o kaete

Watashi no mae ni maiorita anata wo

Kyou wa sagashiteru

Oh oh Doko demo ukeirerareyou to

Shinaide ii yo

Jibun rashisa to iu TSURUGI wo minna

sazukatta

Oh oh Toki ni wa nagare wo kaete

Nani mo motazu ni

Atarareta namae to tomo ni

Oh oh subete wo ukeireru nante

Shinakute ii yo

Shiokaze ni mukai toritachi ga ima

tobidatta

english:
Time and time again, I've crossed your aging paths

Lines drawn by your hands,

you made the distance far too long

The end I could never see,

I kept going-- it was the key

One by one they go... finding a way to see

The river that can flow through hearts and through our empty souls,

until we become as one

I now musn't fear the unknown...

Ho, ho, All of the rivers are endlessly flowing

Hearts I can see are so free

No words are needed

No name is spoken to me

Ahhh....

Ho, ho, Endlessly walking on my restless waters

My pain has flown away

Your soul has shown me the unknown distance,

tonightYou've taken me far

(That's why.... that's why.... that's why.... that's why I chose you)

Day and night I see...

a petty clash between two hearts

A needless fight where tender souls are freed of bitter innocence

Do you know the guilty heart?

How could you possibly know?

Ho, ho, Cold tears are tearing my heart into pieces

You're just a shadow to me

I keep on calling

You don't respond... to me

My river's flooding

Ho, ho, Walking on my restless waters and saying

"She knows why she must go..."

The answer's cryptic, bound in unworthy words.... to me

You've taken me far

Ho, ho, All of the rivers were endlessly flowing

Hearts, I had seen, were so free

No words were needed

No name was spoken to me

Ahhh....

Ho, ho, Walking on my restless waters and saying

"She knows why she must go...."

The struggle to tell, the pain that we had not felt is enough

You've taken me far....

another sad song to ponder. there was a time when i liked utada hikaru just because she was japanese. for some time i thought she was probably like those artificially made popstars who who wrote songs about their first crush. but i guess i had to give her credit for being more than that. it was with "final distance" when i realized she had more clout than i imagined she had.

this song wasn't in the singles collection album of hers that i bought. but when i looked up the video on youtube (it was also the first time i heard it), i was struck by how bittersweet it felt. i mean, you have this feeling whenever you hear a song for the first time if it means something deep to it's writer. even if you don't understand it's lyrics. i had that same feeling when i first heard "final distance" and "sakura drops." there was definetely something in there. so i went around the net searching for what this song meant. and i wasn't disappointed. it was started out like a quietly happy voice. from someone who have found contentment. and then by the end, everything she believed in just shatters. sad really. although a lot of it happens everyday.

it amazes me how people can express their feelings as if they were the only ones who ever felt them. as if no else in the world has ever felt betrayed before. or left behind. but i guess it's because even if everyone else in the world had the same story as yours, they would never feel the pain the same way you do. because it's all your own. because it's you. and they'll never feel it the same way because they're not you.

and so, even if we all walked on restless waters, and we all called out to someone who never responds, no one else will feel just how deep our own river is. even if they do try to wade in.

adventures and misadventures

baguio was beautiful last weekend. when the team got there after about 9 hours of bus ride, we were more or less expecting something to dampen the trip. because the region just got off a storm and was expecting one that weekend. but aside from the light drizzle in the late afternoon and evening, the days were peachy. beautiful, in fact. nothing could have stopped us from going around and seeing the sights, shopping in their infamous wagwagan, and traipsing on ghouly territory. it was a trip worth remembering since almost everything we wanted to happen, happened. we toured, dined, feasted, got drunk, had fun..almost everything. probably explains why the team had around 500 pictures that weekend. almost every step we took was chronicled. the only place i probably didn't pull out my camera was when we were shopping. ukay style. it's one of the things that makes baguio so special. their trademark ukay shopping experience. i've loved it ever since because i'm a sucker for vintage. to think that we hadn't truly spent that much time shopping because we had to get to Diplomat befre the sun set or else, that scary place would have even been more scary.

they say pictures speak a thousand words, maybe i'll just leave the pictures to tell what adventure and misadventure that weekend was.

lazy boy and pirates pop corn

i watched johnny depp run around on wide screen today. and me sitting on a really comfy couch with a popcorn and soda on a table. ah.. the pleasures of true cinematic experience. okay, i admit, i have seen pirates of the carribean: dead man's chest last thursday at the SM mall of asia. but the whole experience was disappointing, if it wasn't traumatic. mon, tonton, & i decided to watch pirates there because we had hoped that they were showing it at the IMAX theatre. i got my first taste of disappointment that day when we found out that the best they could offer was the director's club, which was their version of gateway mall's platinum club cinema. lazy boy seats and all that. since we had truly wanted to try IMAX we decided to watch pirates at the regular cinema since it's fairly new. and they did say it was reserved seating. and up to now, i'm still wondering if i have expected too much of my money's worth. 150Php for reserved seating in a new cinema. i had expected something like a greenbelt 3 movie experience. i would have even accepted a glorietta 4 cinema movie experience. but i shouldn't just have expected at all since the experience was altogether traumatic. here's what happened.
since we were there early, we had to stay outside of the cinema for about thirty minutes before the actual theatre was opened. we even had plenty of time to boker and take photo ops. when the ushers did came, we naturally were first to get in since we were the early birds. imagine my surprise, no, my shock when i got in. it was a total time warp experience. remember those days when disney cartoons looked like cartoons? the prime years of devon sawa and macaulay caulkin? when local movie experience didn't have any concept of reserved seating except in premiers? do you remember those cinemas? i got a perfect recall that day when i entered cinema 2 at the mall of asia. because it was an exact replica of it. it was the theatre where i watched pocahontas on gray hard-cushioned seats. where i watched casper sitting on the linoleum-tiled floor (gray, again) because it was continous screening and there wasn't a single seat on the house that's available. where there were these neon lights that waved through the walls in between screen times. where there were such archaic arrangements called premier and deluxe. where the screen was just a few meters larger than the plasma screens on display at abenson's today. and when surround sound meant putting up speakers all over the place. that was what i payed 150Php for. i have paid cheaper at the eastwood cinema and that was even better. at least they had SDDS. it might not be THX or DOLBY, but there was an effort there. it didn't have speakers hanging about five meters from each other on the wall. and what's the whole idea of this premier and deluxe seating when we're all paying the same goddamned amount?
i've been continously asking myself if i have expected too much. maybe i've just been spoilt. but the cinemas at SM megamall were better when i last watched there. and they're older. maybe because they had the imagination to renovate the place. whoever designed the mall of asia failed in just one facet. i was amazed with all the things i saw at that place. a mall situated in front of the bay. and extremely large. going around it, there didn't seem to be anything i didn't like. but the cinema, at least the regular ones, were a disappointment. i'm not recommending it for any viewing experience. it doesn't inspire anything.
it seems to be much more disappointing on my part since i have waited for pirates to come out ever since i found out they were making a sequel. and that's counting over a year of waiting. and when i did get to watch it, i was imagining a real movie experience. i had no qualms about the film. what ruined my day was the cinema itself. i didn't want to dwell on it, but then i'm writing this now, ain't i?
for that, we had to watch pirates again. this time on a tried and tested cinema. the cinema, i believe, that gives a complete cinematic experience today. we had to watch it at gateway mall's platinum club cinema. and only then were we completely satisfied. i was thinking i might not be laughing all that much anymore today since i have already watched it. but i still did. i probably laughed more. and every scene that aimed to shock me did just that. and of course, i completely fell in love with johnny depp all over again. but then, there's nothing new to that since i'm always in love with the bastard. even when he did marry someone else before even meeting me.
now, let's discuss the film. the synopsis is that on will turner & elizabeth swann's wedding they both get charged of treason because of aiding captain jack sparrow. as we now all know, he had escaped the english navy and recaptured the black pearl with some help from the couple. now, the two are in trouble and it's a certain lord beckett, who heads the east india trading company, that holds cards and mysteries beneath that powdered wig of his. he offers will an escape from the noose as well as to save elizabeth by finding jack and getting his compass and surrendering it to him. now you remember that. the one that never points north. so will goes to find jack so he can save his elizabeth and marry her properly. then he finds jack in an island inhabited by cannibals who treats the captain as their god. the catch? they believe that they have to release him from his earthly body prison by roasting him, and eating him. and not only is jack caught in that dilemma. he also has to find the dead man's chest and it's key to avoid being sentenced to his death by davy jones. a pirate who had sold his soul to the sea and has then evolved into becoming this creature who looks very much like your calamares before it gets cooked. and here i have to stop telling the story because i'll end up telling it all. and then there'll be spoilers and it won't be fun anymore.
what's so amazing about this movie is that even though it's this huge blockbuster type, being a jerry bruckheimer production and all, it still manages to fulfill a story that only walt disney can provide and get away with. the history of davy jones is cheesy at worst, but it still makes you sad for him. even if he is a slimy villain. the film has this kid story in it that appeals to every age. the amazing realization of the true nature of jack's compass. and they have made a good cast in all of the characters. the return of all those you've loved in the first movie and some additional ones. as well as queery ones. and despite all the swashbuckling involved it still comes out heart whole. each character has a story of it's own and they more or less get tangled together but you see their story. and they're all human here. they all have their own quirks and faults. you won't love your heroes here all the time. at some point you'll hate them. and that makes you realize that these characters have something deeper than face value.
the only thing you can take against it is that it makes you anticipate for the third installment. (which, i believe, includes chow yun-fat in the cast. if i'm not mistaken.) because there's a lot of twists in this film that you don't expect. and nothing in this film is actually predictable. and it's about two hours and a half of extreme eye candy. and i don't just mean that beacause i love johhny depp. every scene is an encounter with the carribean islands and it's secrets. if something's supposed to be beautiful, it's truly beautiful. if it's supposed to be grotesque, then it's extremely grotesque. when a scene is sad, you truly feel the sadness. it's entertainment at it's best. without failing to make you laugh a lot and cry a little.
in the end, it;s not just jack sparrow who becomes the movie. but he still stands out.

this never happened before

to atone to the entry i posted a few minutes ago, i will make an effort to make a better night out of this and focus on "the lake house." no. i probably can't make a review because i don't have a steady train of thought right now. so i'll put up the lyrics of the movie's theme song. which i have to say is a good choice because the lyrics and the melody fit the language and story of the film in more ways than one. besides, i don't believe you can go wrong with something from the beatles. or in this case, from any of the beatles.

this is paul mccartney with "this never happened before"

I'm very sure, this never happened to me before

I met you and now I'm sure

This never happened before

Now I see, this is the way it's supposed to be

I met you and now I see

This is the way it should be

This is the way it should be, for lovers

They shouldn't go it alone

It's not so good when your on your own

So come to me, now we can be what we want to be

I love you and now I see

This is the way it should be

This is the way it should be

This is the way it should be, for lovers

They shouldn't go it alone

It's not so good when your on your own

I'm very sure, this never happened to me before

I met you and now I'm sure

This never happened before (This never happened before)

This never happened before (This never happened before)

This never happened before (This never happened before)

This never happened before

all in all, what i could probably say is that i officially believe that keanu reeves and sandra bullock are true actors. or probably they're just a very good looking couple. they became a love team to me in the advent of speed. and in this film, with it being a love story and a remake of a powerful classic, they make me want to believe there should be something between them. they look too good together. and they actually made me believe they were in love with each other. i'll write something more on it when i get the time and when i'm raving more than i am ranting.

oh. and i say watch it. you'll enjoy it because it's not all heartbreak and "waiting." there's a lot of witty dialogue and funny anecdotes.

okay, this is it. i'm focusing more on this film now. (whew. what a recovery.) maybe it's not just because they're a good looking couple. or because they have an onscreen chemistry that's comparable to meg ryan and tom hanks or drew barrymore and adam sandler. it's that the characters they portray seem to be ordinary people meeting through ordinary circumstances who never expect the chance to actually fall in love with the one they're looking at in front of them. or maybe plainly, they're just good actors. who can figure it out? who cares? i ate it all up, anyway.

very good

talk about bursting your bubble. my sister has the ability to turn a good day into a bad one. just when you thought the day's becoming a fun one, she becomes cruella deville doing tantrums. for the past few days she has been staying at home and that has been the longest i've spent with her not arguing since she moved out. she probably passed up the chance to piss me off before today because it was my birthday yesterday. but come today, she moves back into her old vicious selfish self.

since this week was supposed to be dedicated to my vigan trip, i had filed a week long vacation leave from work. but since i have given all my monetary goods to bills, i have been unable to fund vigan. therefore, i decided that this was going to be my bum week. i wouldn't do anything i didn't want to do. and come my birthday, i would try my best to do nothing but stare blindly at every corner of my room until i fall asleep. i succeeded.

my sister decided to spend time home on these days. maybe i started this. because i have wanted to watch the final sequel to the xmen and i knew she was the one i could drag into a movie in short notice. but i never figured that that one short invitation was going to last the rest of my vacation. it was fun during the first days. she made herself amiable. she even fed me through it. that was until a little over an hour ago. after we had dinner and shopped a little and watched the lake house. we weren't quite sure where to go from there since we don't commonly have the same interests other than food, shopping and films. i was texting some friends while we were discussing this. and mind you, i was multi-tasking. i wasn't exactly even texting. was just sending the message and i was asking her where she wanted to go. or what she wanted to do. are we going to wait for mom somewhere? or are we heading home? or does she still want to hang out? then out of the blue, she walked out on me and had this pissed off look all over her. not much time later, when i was enumerating my questions in the clearest possible way i could ask them, she says she was pissed because she was asking me what we were going to do and i was texting.

good God.

how pathetic can that get? can i possibly get anything more logical than that? probably something more adult? she got pissed because i was texting. when everytime she does the same thing, i try to do the decent thing and let it pass. because you're not supposed to make an issue out of texting. it's irrational. it doesn't make sense. so there you go. a good night ending in the worst way possible. i should have asked her before i mentioned i wanted to watch a movie that if she was going to blow this one again, we might as well not waste time and effort to try and make a good event out of it.

i was happy before that happened. i was actually thinking that this was the longest i've spent with her without a prima donna act from her. and then she blows it. very good.

and this could have been a fun entry. something like a review of what i watched. or how i liked going back to eastwood. or the insane things i mused about while i was on leave. but something like that has to happen. some things just never change even when you turn 22.

almost 22

how soon can that get? i never realized i'd be 22 so soon. some things changed and some things just plain stuck the same way as they always did. like a chameleon refusing to change it's color. i have wondered what have become of me at 21. i spent another year at work. traveled some dea. okay, traveled a great deal. a great deal considering the paltry earnings i recieve. i have dwindled doing music though. and has even been less active as a writer. in terms of my craft, i haven't been much of a product. but i have been a living life through the brocade and not sitting in my room writing all the yearnings and reasearch that would create my masterpiece.

so i was saying that i've been trying to gain insight based on real-life experiences. or rather, i have been using it as an excuse so no one would actually say i've given up on my craft. i haven't. sometimes, i feel like i do, but i haven't. i can't do it much as it would have been very convenient. it's like denouncing family and faith. or betraying a friend. i can't do it. so what else have become of me the last year i spent being 21?

revived my nearly dying passion for live gigs. the discovery of saguijo was like finding an oasis. water for my parched soul. considering that since i started work, my shift deprived me of a chance to go out on nucturnal haunts for good music, good food, good drinks and good company. so realizing that a house that was converted into one of the best gig spots in the metro is just some blocks away from the office is God's message to me that he supports my passion for good music, good food, good drinks and good company.

i traveled farther than i expected to. when i started working, i had hoped to travel to some part of this archipelago i live in. i actually did more than that. i went past the archipelago. and i even walked on mainland china. and with that visit came the resolve that iam moving overseas. not because i really have to. i just really want the change. so i decided i had to see more of this country before i leave it for a long time. and i'm proud to have gone bast luzon even if it was only for a little over 24 hours. and i do hope to improving that statistic within the next year.

i tried getting myself into lessons. but the farthest i got was inquiring. early this year i made bad on my promise to start wushu. the only lesson i know of happens to be two hours away from me. and i wouldn't waste those two hours for about three hours of practice. that would be four hours back and forth. the odds are still against it. last month, i was out looking for language lessons. bcause as far as i know, language has always been a fascination to me. any form or shape it takes is something i am completely compelled towards. i figured cantonese would help me in macau. but the only outfit that teaches them offers lessons for 12ooo/30 hours. no siree. not this one. i opted for the japanese lessons. but then i realized that i'll be loaning a rather huge amount of money to get a macbook pro. hmm.. looks like any money i shell out in the future would have to go to the laptop.

i cleared my stats at work. it must be somethign to be proud of. but then, i'm not running for promotion. so what's the use other than it pays well? not really as well as i would have liked it to, but it got me going through the grind.

i got confined. yes. the findings were laughable. who actually gets confined because they were so hungry they fainted? no one. except me. but then i got my wish.

other than that, i can't really say i have been very productive. was it a year wasted then? absolutely not.

the videographer

i'm technically challenged. i like using the internet, but a lot of it confuses me. i would never have known how to create a friendster account if my bestfriend hadn't signed me up. i wouldn't know how to put up pictures on it if chuli hadn't taught me how. and when i found out how to put videos, i decided to put as much as the site could take. this entry is an explanation of why i chose those videos. not all of my favorite videos are there. i picked them according to what sparked my interest at the moment.

video #1: return to innocence by enigma
this video is a classic. the title can speak for itself. the video tells the story of a man backwards. from his death to his birth. thus, return to innocence. note the part of the video that returns to the man's youth. there's a unicorn every now and ten movung through the scenes. i remembered the first time i saw this video. the vocals was something that stuck. it's not even a major genre, but it has it's own appeal. i recently found out that this song was about drinking. which is probably why it fits me more than i can explain. hakhak..

video # 2: i'm still here by john rzeznick
first, i love this song. it's sort-of a life theme song for me. the whole message of the song that no one's breaking me no matter how hard they try. aside from the fact that this was created by john rzeznick of the goo goo dolls. strangely though, i've never seen treasure planet. for which the song was created. and the video amazes me. i like visuals that mixes reality with CGI. the start of the video with the guy's bed floating on clear water. and that humongous spider. the change from one scene to the next isn't your usual too. some graphic scenes in ths video actually reminds me of final fantasy. and i'm a humongous fan of final fantasy graphics.

video # 3: sakura drops by utada hikaru
now, i can say a lot about this video. i am a fan of utada hikaru. no matter how pop she may be. i like her. so shoot me. this video was created by her husband. and so much part of it is CGI, you can't begin to tell where the real and the reel gets separated. the first time i saw this, i stood staring at the screen oggling it all. i liked the part where she clapped once in the intro. if parts of the "i'm still here" video reminds me of final fantasy, this one made me think the whole video was taken out of the game itself. you have to see everything in this video with eyes wide open or you won't know what you're missing. the flowers blooming had bird beaks in them. the clouds had a whole army of airplanes. a leafy corner suddenly blinks at you. the bouquet of flowers apparently are human heads. i loved the representation of the band. you can't tell what exactly they are. and the instruments they're playing fit well with the fairy setting. hikaru at one point looks like a purple flower, then the next, like another bird. but my favorite part would probably be when the vine uncoils and turns out to be a phoenix. and the phoenix resting around hikaru suddenly blinks and flies and there turn out to be a whole flock of them. then what followed was something that beat lion king's extravagant scene of the circle of life. the music fit well with the video and vise versa. no part of it seemed out of place. i sometimes go online just to watch it. ablsolutely eye candy.

video #4: final distance by utada hikaru
another video created by the ingenious kiriya kazuaki, whom hikaru married when she was 19. this song had more angst in it. more pain. and the video sufficiently provided a strong alternate reality setting where there are two hikarus. both trapped in a world all their own and separated by a glass that divides their worlds. one hikaru is in a universe of a theatre carnival. she even appears as a half-ballerina, half-circus performer with her tutu and head dress. the other hikaru seems to be in a ghost house reminiscent of the adams family. a sad video for a sad song. particular favorite scenes. the one with the huge woman painted in black and hikaru lying on her lap. the scene with hikaru playing the violin and that split-second shot of her from shoulder to hips putting the violin down. my favorite character were the two little angels. and the most highlighted scene would be when the two hikarus were facing each other and they were separated by this glass. this was the very scene that came to mind when i first saw tsubasa r. chronicles. but that's another story.

video #5: hikari by utada hikaru
this video isn't much to say the least. it isn't actually a video i like watching but it's one of the songs i like hearing. and then i realize that this video actually fits the song because i imagine hikari as the kind of song you sing while in the shower or doing chores. exactly as hikaru was singing the song whike doing the dishes. and when you actually dig deeper, it's not just a fun song. it's quite a downright happy song.

video#6: trailer from the film "the classic"
if you realize that this is a song you've probably heard before, it's because it's "out of my head" by toploader. i was trying to put this song into place the whole time i was watching the movie. and i wouldn't have figured it out hadn't a friend of mine recalled this song. i enjoyed the movie. you probably will figure out what the story is about with the video, but watching the film would be even more satisfying. i suggest that's what you do after you read this. it was created the same people behind the phenomenal "my sassy girl." this one's a little different though. and i'm beginning to like it more. siguro kasi hindi pa siya translated sa tagalog at wala pang version si jimmy bondoc ng kantang to. hahahaha!!!

video #7: far away by nickelback
the kind of sad song that has a redemption in the end. halfway through the video, i expected it to be sad and i was already overwhelmed by it. it turns out to be a little like pinoy movies. buhay pala si puto. tinakot pa si misis. maybe it is better if it had a happy ending. the song does end in a good light. and with good hope. maybe it's only right that the video be the same. besides, they're a good-looking couple.

video #8: the space between by dave matthews band
this was the first video i put up on friendster. this was the only video i had there for the longest time because DMB is simply something else. i'm a rain person and i liked the idea of the how the characters in this video seemed to have found their redemption when it rained. specifically the couple who seemed to have been at odds before it rained. besides the song fit their disposition best. "the space between..this wicked lies we tell.. and hope to keep safe from the pain.. the space between.. this warring hearts.. is the madness that keeps us coming back for more.." there's more to say about DMB. this is an amazing band. not once have they ever failed me. and this happens to be one of my favorite songs out of them. another stand out scene in this video is the part with the mother and child and when it was beginning to rain. maybe corny, but i find it cinematic.

video # 9: ants marching by dave matthews band
this video was taken during the '99 woodstock festival. there's nothing fancy in this video. no great visuals and no effects. but the band carries it on it's own because they have amazing music. they're one of the few bands who can actually put up a video like this. one that comes from a live performance and doesn't have much editing. i enjoyed watching this video as much as i enjoyed hearing this song. boyd tinsley is one of my favorite violinists. one of the biggest influence to my own music. i may not be anything near what boyd is, but i rely on the fact that if there's anything we have in common, we're both classically trained. (may pag-asa pa ang musical career ko.) his solo here is amazing and i pray for the day i'll play something like it. the first time i heard this song, it wasn't actually from DMB itself. blue pill was doing a cover of it during the days at flask. and i searched for it afterwards. and i'm proud to say that they did justice to the song. considering that blue pill is an acoustic band with no more than vocals, guitars, rhythm, bass and kajon to support their music.

video #10: 41 by dave matthews band
another video that attests to what i've just said about DMB. they can rock live. this one was taken during a concert at the madison square garden. in case you're wondering, victor wooten is a reknowned jazz bassist and he performs for his band called the flecktones. which usually performs with bella fleck. enthusiasts will appreciate his performance here because what he was playing wasn't simple jazz bass. i sometimes tend to think that their instrumental in this song is actually, well, ad lib. i don't know if they follow a certain chord or piece whenever they play 41. it seems as if, at the part where they play the interlude they just jam out whatever they feel like playing. maybe they do. i'm not that much of a trained ear. but it's quite something, nevertheless.

video #11: sorta fairy tale by tori amos
one of the weirdest shit i've ever seen on video. of course, tori amos is weird shit. it does make out a deeper meaning to it. two incomplete beings coming together and completing each other. but she sure has a strange way of showing it. how could you ever make out yourself to be a head that grew out of a leg? and your soul mate, apparetly, turned out to be another head that grew out of an arm. weird shit. but then, i've probably seen weirder shits than this. i fell in love with the song before i saw the video. it was fascinating to discover this video because it was made in true tori amos fashion. very lillith fair material.

video #12: love song by 311
originally by the cure. this song is a classic. it was remade for 50 first dates. some people doesn't like this version. says it's a travesty. i like the original. and i also happen to like this remake. so shoot me. it has a very beach feel to it. maybe because it's more reggae. which suits the film fine since the whole thing was set in hawaii. it's one of the sweetest songs unknown. few people these days realize what a classic the cure is. they usually leave the classic label to their more famous counterparts. i guess most listeners these age doesn't see how much influence this band has made to their contemporaries. this video does seem a little made up though. if i get around to finding the cure's video of this, i'll put it up. they all looked like edward scissorhands. and you all know i'm a sucker for johnny depp.

video #13: one more time by daft punk
displays my diverse interest in genre, eh? this is one of those fun lounge songs that has this whole ibiza vibe to it. the video also happens to be highly interesting since when this came out i don't think there were much music videos in the west completely made in animation. the gorillaz only followed suit. and they only animated themselves because they were individually members of different bands themselves and doesn't want to be associated with who they have played for. so they could be seen as another band and not a collaboration of different bands, so to speak. this video is the first of a series. if i'm not mistaken, made for all the singles that came out in the same album. they all make up a series that could be well worth a manga. and it's catchy. when someone starts singing this, it ends up being my last song syndrome.

video #14: the hardest day by the corrs featuring alejandro sanz
another sad video to like. the set-up reminds me of "in the mood for love." the world war era setting and costumes to boot. plus the guy pretty much was made up to look like tony leung. although the girl here is a far cry from maggie cheung. maggie has a rounder face, less angular. but the video has the same feel as the movie. strange though that this song is half in spanish, and the whole setting was in a bygone era hong kong. nevertheless, it's one of those videos that gave justice to a sad song. the last frame in the video was very moving. with the guy standing in front of the dressmaker's shop under the rain. closely beats that clip when they were fitting his tailored clothes.

video #15: soak up the sun by sheryl crow
it's one of my ultimate summer songs. and that's mainly the reason why it's up here. because it's summer and i can't imagine a summer without this song as a part of it's soundtrack.

video #16: spin by lifehouse
i enjoy watching this video because of the whole spinning thing going on. and it's a lifehouse song. they're a young band but i would stalk them out if ever they make the mistake of landing on Philippine soil. i like them as much as i like DMB, if truth be told. no. maybe DMB is about three notches higher. they're entirely out of league of each other but in terms of being likeable, they that closely linked for me. and the song itself is one of my favorites. i have a lot of favorite scenes in this video. all those scenes with babies. specially that one where a guy in his undershirt sits on a bench holding his child and feeding him from a bottle. then that couple in the middle of the crowd who later ends up kissing. when the band was playing on the road at the start of the video. if you noticed, as the video progressed, older characters appear. until the whole spinning actually ends with the snapshot of a newly married couple.

video #17: right here by staind
another band i would stalk out. just when you thought they have made all the depression mode songs that would help you pull the trigger through and through, they come up with right here. i love that this song is a contradiction in itself. seems to speak of a love-hate relationship so eloquently. my favorite line would be "you're so independent.. you just refuse to bend.. so i keep bending till i break.." and still he's still right there waiting. the video was simple in staind terms. but i believe the song holds it all on it's own. and i like the combination of colors. they're all black and white and vibrant.

video #18: first of summer by urbandub
gabby alipe is the aaron lewis of the South. they always manage to create good videos. but, again, since it's summer, this song is the most applicable. and it's consistently on repeat mode in my head lately. the video's a little violent on some scenes but not entirely offensive. the sound is patented urbandub. and this band is a true gem that can truly claim to be the best music that spread from the South. at the last part of the videos, the punk lovers actually looked like kids to me. "parked car, this night sky.. makes city lights shine like diamonds.."

video #19: so far away by staind
mostly covered their tour. i like the song enough to put it up. besides it's one of those songs that lifts your mood up. it's the kind of song, and video, you put up when you're reflecting on how you've been so far, where you're going to and how did it all happen. very positive since it's quite obvious that the bottomline of this song is how euphorious succeeding in something rarely percieved as a real career can work on this band. it's good for those people who believe in their craft but doesn't have much people who believe in them. but then, not really all of us will succeed being performing artists. my favorite scenes included that little girl with the dog.

video #20: epiphany by staind
it was a surprise to find out that this was a video created by fred durst. back in high school, i truly liked fred durst and limp bizkit. then somewhere between discovering he dated britney and the seemingly complete turn to hip hop, i liked him less and less. then just when i thought he had failed me, he comes around and redeems himself with a video for staind like this one. the gloomy portrait reminds me of tim burton films. the period setting, a coach in the night, a graveyard that seems to be empty. reminds you of nightmare before christmas, legend of sleepy hollow and corpse bride. all tim burton films (and all with johny depp in them). another sad video, ain't it? (there seems to be a pattern here) when i saw this video in youtube, the caption said "cherish the ones you love.." maybe because this is the whole point of the video. he lost the one he loved and acted out on his emotions to late. thereby missing his chances. and in the end he sits in an empty graveyard, weeping for the dead who has passed on.

video #21: take me away by lifehouse
last video. doesn't mean anything. the last video would have been a dashboard confessional. but my love for this song overrode another sad song. and to cap things off, this is actually a happy song. a bit cheesy, if you may. but then we can all live with cheese now, can't we? not an exceptional video. another one with the band playing live over an audience. all of them systematically placed on centerstage. with jason wade, of course, on a separate stage right in the middle of the crowd. i can't quite categorize of they are a Christian band or emo-rock. maybe they're both. but then, i can't even vouch for them being Christians. oh well. "i've seen it all and it was never enough.. it keeps leaving me needing you.. take me away.. take me away..i've got nothing left to say..just take me away.."

there you go. after numerous edits and nights of picking out the the first videos that amused me, this entry finally gets done with. enjoy them videos. i'm sure to add and remove some of them soon. expect the undermined dashboard confessional to make an appearance. after all, i'm still half in love with chris carrabba.

dwunk

i'm tipsy. in my state i shouldn't be allowed to get near anything like this. and yet here i am. blogging. what do you know? tipsy and writing. it's a little dangerous considering the fact that i'm in an absolute state of oblivion. and i might write something here i'll regret in the next few hours. if i ever do remember doing this in the next few hours.

there were a few admissions in within the last few hours that made me realize that despite the haircut and the claim to want to move on i'm still rolling through the same cycle. no point trying to deny it since i'm here in my most absolute oblivion. i might even remember doing this entry after a few hours.

but a face comes up in my mind every now and then. and it's not the same face that used to haunt my memories. someone different. a boy too good he reminds me of ryan too much. maybe that's why. and he's committed. ain't that take the odds against me? i'm here again. someone reminding me of someone else. makes me wonder if i'm liking someone new or hanging on to the old memory.

i don't want to continue writing anymore. i'll only end up writing things that i'll read later on and wonder about how i got to write these things.

bottomline is. i'm not drunk yet. but i'm getting there.