Death of a Patriot

This entry is probably way too late. It has been running in my mind for the last few days, though. I'm not particularly a very political person. I'm extremely opinionated, though. So that may be the reason why I'm going to talk about Cory. I don't know Cory personally. But granted that her death caused a humongous traffic jam in which I was in, I think she is worth talking about. It isn't everyday that a nation disagreeing about everything agrees on giving due respect to the death of a patriot.

I was born post-Marcos era. I grew up in the time of Cory. A product of a sectarian education with a staunch liberalist for a father and an optimist for a mother. When you talk to people who crossed the era between the Marcos regime and the Aquino administration, a lot of people will probably tell you that the economy dropped when Cory took over. That having Marcos for a president was way better considering that there was discipline and jobs. Back then, I didn't really have much of an opinion about it. My childhood was pretty normal up until I turned eight. But looking back, I recognize a lot of things that's easier to identify in hindsight. The truth is Marcos was a dictator and Cory was a housewife who probably wasn't prepared to be president. When Marcos stepped down, there were probably a million wrong things with the country. A lot of them were covered up by beautification projects. Whatever Cory did, she only inherited the illness of the country and showed them for what they were. It takes a really strong man to take on something like that. Or in this case, a really strong woman. It may be something similar to what Obama has taken on. The failure of the economy is not Obama's fault, but he inherited it. It will probably take his entire term to correct the errors in judgement of the previous administration and sustain it. The difference is, he will probably run for another term to instigate whatever change he initially planned before running for presidency. Cory, did not. The only thing she could do in the entirety of her term is to clean up.

I don't know Cory personally. I did, however, encounter her in a couple of rallies I joined back when I was young, brave and gullible. What I realized about her back then, was that she exuded a very peaceful atmosphere that extends to about a ten-mile radius. It's fascinating to watch, really. Her mere prescence seems to call a certain type of calm to any scenario. No matter how riotous people get in a rally, no matter how close it seems to getting violent, when she steps in, everyone just starts to relax. When she asks everyone to pray, everyone will pray. And it doesn't even matter if you're not prayerful or if you're an atheist. When she says pray, you just do. When she asks everyone to be patient or calm or to not get violent, people listen. I have never seen the likes of it anywhere. It came to a point that when a rally would be called, I would ask if Cory was going to be present. If she was, I'm more or less coming. Her attendance ensures security. The police may disperse the crowd, but it will not get physical. Now you know that back when I seemed like a very brave supporter of causes, I was just being really smart.

Cory seems to be the last of her kind. All the true patriots seem to have died and gone to heaven. What's sad is there doesn't seem to be anyone around who could create the same impact. Sure, there are some likely candidates, but all of them lack something. They don't have the charisma or the morals or the right reasons or they simply don't have to be there to begin with. I think this country needs a new breed of leaders. Majority of those with probable potential seem to be busy just surviving the daily grind than taking up a challenge. My generation and the one it follows lacks the will to be a patriot. I'm sure I love my country as much as everyone else does, but the sad reality is, I have also grown complacent. What I cannot change, I've adapted into. Which, I think, applies to everyone else. It's sad, but it's true. Unless someone brave enough starts initiating something, anything at all, I think that patriotism dies with the last patriot.

the proverbial work-life balance

One thing I realized about myself is that I completely suck at work-life balance. I have no idea what it is or how to actually work it. I'm not even sure it exists. For the most part, let me just say that I doubt if it's even real. It feels like searching fr the Holy Grail. It's one of those things I'm just truly doubtful about.

I enjoy working. I enjoy the job I have and I wouldn't really be spending my weekdays at work if I didn't truly like it. Truth is, I love what I do for a living. I get this feeling that I actually have a purpose. Nothing biblical or even close. This isn't something that would answer the essence of being. It's just that some of us probably live their whole lives living a life they would trade with someone else at a drop of a hat. Or as soon as something better comes along. I'm grateful enough to realize that not all of us end up getting the lives we wanted. As Sheryl Crow so nicely put it; It's not getting what you want, It's wanting what you've got. And I like what I have. If an offer comes along that would allow me to do all the other things I've always wanted to do, I would get myself in a serious dilemma. Because right now, I like where I am and I like what I have. There are still things I'd like to get, get to achieve and get to learn. But I think that wherever I am right now is right where I'm supposed to be. And whatever I can achieve in the future, they can all happen here. I feel that at this point I don't have to go elsewhere to be satisfied.

I think I'm pretty good with work. I'm not being arrogant. I'm only saying I'm good at being efficient. That's why I like working. Because it's very linear. There's always a better way of doing something, but there's always structure to any process or procedure that you do. It's so impersonal. It does not involve unnecessary emotions. You put heart into it because nothing is ever just done mechanically. But it always goes back to business.

That's something I totally suck at in my personal life. It's difficult enough dealing with emotions. But when you add other factors like relations and owed favors, it becomes ambiguous. And I dislike ambiguity, if only for the simply reason that IT ISN'T CLEAR. I like being clear and being straightforward because I feel it's the easiest way to get to the point without having to go through unnecessary rituals. Unfortunately, though, my personal life isn't like my work. It has a lot of idealistic beliefs that may sometimes be not ideal. And people would often refuse to admit that they probably had it all wrong. Or it's difficult to accept that there's another idea out there that can be better than their own. It doesn't necessarily mean that theirs suck, it's just that someone else may have a better answer.

And maybe that's the reason why it's damned difficult for me to balance work with my life. Because my life does not really function the way my work does. I'm not out here to resolve anything. I just wanted to make sure I had it here.

welcome to Facebook

i have joined the bandwagon that is called Facebook. if you have an FB account and you have no problem being associated with me, then do add me up.

it gets better

it's that time of the year when you start going through what you did and how much you've fared. that time of the year when you start thinking if you've been better than the last or you kind of found a way to really blow it this time. december is that time of the year for me. as much as it is a time to really celebrate christmas (which, i have to say, i have found complete faith in again), it's also the last month of the year. i don't know why i keep on doing self-assessments during this time. i don't truly believe everyone does. not anymore, at least. i guess i just like summing up my existence. like every year has an entry that says "my life...so far." cheesy, i know.

so how was this year for me? extreme would be an interesting word to use. this year never plowed middle ground. i was either way above the clouds or sinking deep into the pits, bleeding gloriously while at it. i changed plans, got a new job, got promoted, lost my dad, decided to get a tattoo (i'm still trying to get around doing that - without my mom finding out!), learned some new things, tripped a bit, drowned a little, redeemed myself eventually, nothing was just half-cut. there were a lot of fascinating things i've learned about myself. like i can pretend to be naive and get away with it. comes in handy sometimes. can't do it very often, though. or i'll end up looking like a witless troll.

i've also cut my hair so many times, i've probably covered all hairstyles. i got brave and took a boy cut. i never regretted it. i kinda miss it now that it's actually growing, actually. i've also met a lot of fascinating people. real characters. most of them from work. since my life revolves so much around it. my priorities have changed, as well. i'm not after immediate gratification now. i'm actually looking at things to invest in. maybe i am getting smarter. i still have to curb that impulsive shoe buyer in me, though.

repeat after me: i have enough shoes as it is. i don't need any more.

boy, i'm such a horrible liar.

memorable, would also be one word i'd use to describe this year. i had a lot of good memories. the kind you look back to and smile about. maybe even laugh about. and some, cry about. it was just a rollercoaster of emotion. one day you smile a lot, the next you cry a lot, the day after you laugh a lot. that just made me sound like a total lunatic. but i truly felt such a gamut of emotions this year, it kind of surpasses all my depression era. but when i was depressed, all i felt was sadness, so that truly doesn't compare, right? i'm digressing.

the best word to truly describe this year for me, though, is blessed. despite of and inspite of the worst things that happened to me this year, i have never felt more blessed. even during the pitfall moments of this year, there was always something that made me realize i had it better than most. so i really do not have the right to complain. i know i have this tendency to be truly selfish. but what kind of self-centered witch am i if i decided to dwell into the few things that made me cry a bit, instead of the pretty swell things i was handed over? there are other people out there who have the right to rant. i'm not one of them.

every year, i just sound less and less the kind of person i thought i was. this year is no different. i don't know if optimism is part of getting old, or it's just me. but i'm happy this way. i'm happy with what i have and truly grateful for everything i was given. i don't know what i did to deserve this, but i'm really thankful. yeah, there are parts of my existence that isn't exactly pleasant, but i firmyl believe that you just have to do what you gotta do and live with what you have. sooner or later, you'll realize that life just gets better.

june baby

JUNE: Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.

pretty much had me to a T. stress on those on bold. hahaha.

out in the real world

last week, i realized that i haven't blogged, posted any picture, or even checked my personal mail for about three months. i have been cooped up in godforsaken Alabang, working. i practically live there. let me correct that, i live there. i go home to my apartment in makati during the weekends. which isn't exactly the ideal way to live your life. i wouldn't advise anyone to do whatever it is that i do. i'm independent and workaholic. and this kind of lifestyle doesn't exactly work for everyone.

around the first weeks, i would even bring home work with me and mull over it during the weekend. the weight of the laptop and the idea of work following even on weekends made me decide i should stop doing it. my weekends are mine, and i intend to rest away on days i'm not supposed to work.

i miss having my wanderlust moments, though. i recently felt like going out to travel on my own again. just one weekend anywhere. wherever the tides take me. i miss that spontaneous part of me. it's not really easy doing that now because of work. don't get me wrong. i love my job. i won't be packing my stuff in living at the office for the whole week if i felt otherwise. but i wish i could have more control of my time.

although, when you think about it, scheduling has never been a problem for my travel-hungry soul. who knows, the next time i get blogging again, i might be flying over some ocean going somewhere i feel like going to.

all about my father

20 June 2008
21:50

My dad passed away today. At the early hour of 1:00 am, we lost him. I was on my way home from work when my sister called me, crying, saying that Dad’s gone. I feel such a wretch about this whole situation. I know that death is inevitable. But knowing it, doesn’t really make it easier.
How was my Dad like? I was a daddy’s girl, you see. I loved my dad to bits and pieces when I was a little girl. Then I started to grow, and the hero worship I had for him deteriorated with the realities I saw in him. He was arrogant, bossy, self-righteous, pompous, conceited, and too proud for his own good. He was a jack-of-all-trades, and a master of nothing. What’s worse, he was an alcoholic. And since he was too proud to admit he was an alcoholic, it was an issue with himself he never resolved. He became self-destructive, and destructive to everyone else. For the longest time, I hated everything about him. I hated his guts, his pomp, his arrogance, his narcissism, and most specially his self-righteousness. I hated the issues he couldn’t resolve for himself. And I hated him for not doing anything about it.
Later, I realized that while we grow up, we put our parents on this pedestal. We see them as gods. They’re the all-knowing and the all-truthful. And as we grow up, we become more aware of the demons they’re fighting, the battles they fought, and the scars they’ve worn. They aren’t gods, after all. They’re just human. And like me, who has tons of issues I can’t resolve on my own, they also have these demons they try to fight off. That’s probably the reason why it becomes much more disappointing when they show you that they’re weak too. Because you believed that they were the strongest people for the longest time. It isn’t something they told us, it’s just something we assumed. When we see them in their weakened state, it shatters the rose-colored glasses that we see them covered in. You start saying that they should be this, or they should be that. But again, they’re still human, right?
That probably is the damnedest thing I realized about my father. I saw him for what he was, for the longest time. Not who he was. When I started seeing him as just human, I realized that he probably started out the same way that I did. Had a childhood, argued with his parents, cut a bit of classes, drank some beer before turning eighteen, had girlfriends, got his heart broken, had dreams, aspired for things, planned for his future, got disillusioned with reality, and all that. He’s just human. He fails sometimes, picks himself up sometimes, succeeds sometimes, and stays down sometimes. He has demons he fights off too. And the things I expected him to do, but didn’t, are probably the effects of his own disappointments. He was bitter about a lot of things. But I understand him better now.
He wasn’t born perfect. He wasn’t meant to be perfect. In his mind, he tried his best. I just expected too much from him.
Another thing I realized is that despite my disappointments, my cynicism, the things we fought about, the things that mattered to me that didn’t matter to him, and every inconsequential thing that happened in our relationship, he’s still my dad, and I still love him. I remember that he only told me he loved me when he was drunk. I don’t recall being able to tell him that though. Maybe I did, at one point or another. But I don’t really remember any significant moment when I told him those words. I guess, I can only wish that he knows it now.

“The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and things left undone.”