i wish..

i wish i were a better writer. i wish i could somehow feel that i'm still a so-called artist. i wish i still have the passion to feed my soul with words of prose and poetry. i wish a song could still satisfy my hunger for the madness of music. i wish i could still play the canon. i wish that depression is still a way to completely understand life and the existence of pain. i wish i hadn't underestimated the world and the sinking realities it shows me everyday. i wish i had it in me to believe. i wish i were back to being the little idealistic twit who believed that life can be altered when you pursue the dream with enough passion to topple down a kingdom. i wish i was still that naive. i wish i hadn't realized that although money isn't what makes you happy, it contributes much for your welfare. i wish i don't feel like i'm failing somewhere. because this life and this world is beginning to disappoint me. and what's worse is that i'm beginning to disappoint myself.

retrospection

this entry was imported from my former blog. written as the date states. i just want to remember. remember that this is something i shouldn't forget.

Monday, November 24, 2003

i haven't updated anything on ff for the simple reason that i don't have anything to upload. i have been having bouts of unexplainable retardation lately. blame it to all my new habits. the violin has been taking up an excessive amount of my time. i actually feel like i'm beginning to have a relationship with it..scary...
plus..well..this times when i just sit and think if i'm actually any good as writer. there are times when you feel like you are so mused that you could probably write the oracle. there are other times though, when you feel like another realm just begins to envelope you. at times i wonder if this sort-of regression is just another phase..or is it an introduction to a different plane? now that i actually haven't been as stagnant as i used to be, i am again beginning to get confused. my life before this, before the life-altering three months i spent in bicol, was all about my carousel. it involved nothing much more than my writings. my moving, yet not going anywhere. for about a year, i spent my life in this kind of trance.
and then i got myself someone who i didn't care much about, but cared about nonetheless, who in someway, actually taught me how to believe. it's strange because i realized everything that person actually did to me just now. i was never the person who lived to regret the things i did. i had this philosophy that regretting one thing is regretting everything that comes after that. it's therefore regretting the rest of your life. when i left, i didn't regret what happened. i thought of it as a learning experience. (don't use anyone for the sake of experience. karma comes in threefolds..that sort of stuff.) what i didn't realized then was he was probably the lesson i was looking for. with him began a turning point in my life. only now, do i realize that knowing someone actually believed in you that much elevates your belief in yourself. if i never went through that experience, i wouldn't have changed anything my old life offered me. i would still have my carousel.
i am actually grateful i learned to forgo whatever inhibitions i had before i got back. it was as if, i left all of it in bicol. which was a good thing granted that i am pretty much happy with who and what i am right now. there are so many things i learned about how my life works because of him. how much of myself i devote to other people regardless of the fact that i insist on being selfish. he taught me how my devotion won't help those people i care about.
in moments like this, i tend to miss him. my insights in living has somehow influenced the way my friends' minds works. in him i found someone i could share my ideas with and with whom i lifted insights from. it was as if i found someone whom my friends saw in me. and sadly, i know i'll never find another one like that again.
but still..no regrets. because that was one of the things i already knew before i met him and agreed with him. that in life, you shouldn't have regrets. i just hope he finds someone he could share a sunset with again.

posted at 17:41

the written

i looked over my unattended blogs just now. not that there's many of them. just a couple of pages i used to excercise my so-called talent online. one was, how do i say it? it was going through the motions. quite literal. it only mentioned the what, the when, the where and the how. never the why. sometimes it does. specially when i wrote about drew. but not so much later. actually, i wrote quite profusely in that blog. putting in every insight i have on a certain manuscript. maybe because it as the only blog i had back then. and back then, no one else i knew went blogging. then after that i went through phases i wouldn't want to relish. but still, i sat and endured reading through it all. as painful as it may seem.

the other blog, was even more painful. for it only contained narratives, stories i wrote or read, poetry, and song lyrics. it made me go back to those days. but then, i'm happier now, ain't i? am i? i'd like to believe so. somehow, not truly. but i suppose we all live carrying the demons we try to shun away everyday.

i thought of writing for those blogs again. i never truly had comments posted on those blogs because i didn't permit it. but i did recieve emails from people who've read them and had been touched or moved or pained or all of the above. but then, i suppose it's best to leave it that way. the only way time i'll probably go back to filling the lank spaces in that blog is when i go back to publishing.

and that, is even farther from where i wish to be.