it gets better

it's that time of the year when you start going through what you did and how much you've fared. that time of the year when you start thinking if you've been better than the last or you kind of found a way to really blow it this time. december is that time of the year for me. as much as it is a time to really celebrate christmas (which, i have to say, i have found complete faith in again), it's also the last month of the year. i don't know why i keep on doing self-assessments during this time. i don't truly believe everyone does. not anymore, at least. i guess i just like summing up my existence. like every year has an entry that says "my life...so far." cheesy, i know.

so how was this year for me? extreme would be an interesting word to use. this year never plowed middle ground. i was either way above the clouds or sinking deep into the pits, bleeding gloriously while at it. i changed plans, got a new job, got promoted, lost my dad, decided to get a tattoo (i'm still trying to get around doing that - without my mom finding out!), learned some new things, tripped a bit, drowned a little, redeemed myself eventually, nothing was just half-cut. there were a lot of fascinating things i've learned about myself. like i can pretend to be naive and get away with it. comes in handy sometimes. can't do it very often, though. or i'll end up looking like a witless troll.

i've also cut my hair so many times, i've probably covered all hairstyles. i got brave and took a boy cut. i never regretted it. i kinda miss it now that it's actually growing, actually. i've also met a lot of fascinating people. real characters. most of them from work. since my life revolves so much around it. my priorities have changed, as well. i'm not after immediate gratification now. i'm actually looking at things to invest in. maybe i am getting smarter. i still have to curb that impulsive shoe buyer in me, though.

repeat after me: i have enough shoes as it is. i don't need any more.

boy, i'm such a horrible liar.

memorable, would also be one word i'd use to describe this year. i had a lot of good memories. the kind you look back to and smile about. maybe even laugh about. and some, cry about. it was just a rollercoaster of emotion. one day you smile a lot, the next you cry a lot, the day after you laugh a lot. that just made me sound like a total lunatic. but i truly felt such a gamut of emotions this year, it kind of surpasses all my depression era. but when i was depressed, all i felt was sadness, so that truly doesn't compare, right? i'm digressing.

the best word to truly describe this year for me, though, is blessed. despite of and inspite of the worst things that happened to me this year, i have never felt more blessed. even during the pitfall moments of this year, there was always something that made me realize i had it better than most. so i really do not have the right to complain. i know i have this tendency to be truly selfish. but what kind of self-centered witch am i if i decided to dwell into the few things that made me cry a bit, instead of the pretty swell things i was handed over? there are other people out there who have the right to rant. i'm not one of them.

every year, i just sound less and less the kind of person i thought i was. this year is no different. i don't know if optimism is part of getting old, or it's just me. but i'm happy this way. i'm happy with what i have and truly grateful for everything i was given. i don't know what i did to deserve this, but i'm really thankful. yeah, there are parts of my existence that isn't exactly pleasant, but i firmyl believe that you just have to do what you gotta do and live with what you have. sooner or later, you'll realize that life just gets better.

june baby

JUNE: Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.

pretty much had me to a T. stress on those on bold. hahaha.

out in the real world

last week, i realized that i haven't blogged, posted any picture, or even checked my personal mail for about three months. i have been cooped up in godforsaken Alabang, working. i practically live there. let me correct that, i live there. i go home to my apartment in makati during the weekends. which isn't exactly the ideal way to live your life. i wouldn't advise anyone to do whatever it is that i do. i'm independent and workaholic. and this kind of lifestyle doesn't exactly work for everyone.

around the first weeks, i would even bring home work with me and mull over it during the weekend. the weight of the laptop and the idea of work following even on weekends made me decide i should stop doing it. my weekends are mine, and i intend to rest away on days i'm not supposed to work.

i miss having my wanderlust moments, though. i recently felt like going out to travel on my own again. just one weekend anywhere. wherever the tides take me. i miss that spontaneous part of me. it's not really easy doing that now because of work. don't get me wrong. i love my job. i won't be packing my stuff in living at the office for the whole week if i felt otherwise. but i wish i could have more control of my time.

although, when you think about it, scheduling has never been a problem for my travel-hungry soul. who knows, the next time i get blogging again, i might be flying over some ocean going somewhere i feel like going to.

all about my father

20 June 2008
21:50

My dad passed away today. At the early hour of 1:00 am, we lost him. I was on my way home from work when my sister called me, crying, saying that Dad’s gone. I feel such a wretch about this whole situation. I know that death is inevitable. But knowing it, doesn’t really make it easier.
How was my Dad like? I was a daddy’s girl, you see. I loved my dad to bits and pieces when I was a little girl. Then I started to grow, and the hero worship I had for him deteriorated with the realities I saw in him. He was arrogant, bossy, self-righteous, pompous, conceited, and too proud for his own good. He was a jack-of-all-trades, and a master of nothing. What’s worse, he was an alcoholic. And since he was too proud to admit he was an alcoholic, it was an issue with himself he never resolved. He became self-destructive, and destructive to everyone else. For the longest time, I hated everything about him. I hated his guts, his pomp, his arrogance, his narcissism, and most specially his self-righteousness. I hated the issues he couldn’t resolve for himself. And I hated him for not doing anything about it.
Later, I realized that while we grow up, we put our parents on this pedestal. We see them as gods. They’re the all-knowing and the all-truthful. And as we grow up, we become more aware of the demons they’re fighting, the battles they fought, and the scars they’ve worn. They aren’t gods, after all. They’re just human. And like me, who has tons of issues I can’t resolve on my own, they also have these demons they try to fight off. That’s probably the reason why it becomes much more disappointing when they show you that they’re weak too. Because you believed that they were the strongest people for the longest time. It isn’t something they told us, it’s just something we assumed. When we see them in their weakened state, it shatters the rose-colored glasses that we see them covered in. You start saying that they should be this, or they should be that. But again, they’re still human, right?
That probably is the damnedest thing I realized about my father. I saw him for what he was, for the longest time. Not who he was. When I started seeing him as just human, I realized that he probably started out the same way that I did. Had a childhood, argued with his parents, cut a bit of classes, drank some beer before turning eighteen, had girlfriends, got his heart broken, had dreams, aspired for things, planned for his future, got disillusioned with reality, and all that. He’s just human. He fails sometimes, picks himself up sometimes, succeeds sometimes, and stays down sometimes. He has demons he fights off too. And the things I expected him to do, but didn’t, are probably the effects of his own disappointments. He was bitter about a lot of things. But I understand him better now.
He wasn’t born perfect. He wasn’t meant to be perfect. In his mind, he tried his best. I just expected too much from him.
Another thing I realized is that despite my disappointments, my cynicism, the things we fought about, the things that mattered to me that didn’t matter to him, and every inconsequential thing that happened in our relationship, he’s still my dad, and I still love him. I remember that he only told me he loved me when he was drunk. I don’t recall being able to tell him that though. Maybe I did, at one point or another. But I don’t really remember any significant moment when I told him those words. I guess, I can only wish that he knows it now.

“The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and things left undone.”

small thought on being 24

another year closer to redemption. i spent my birthday like i always do since i started joining the rest of the rat race - working. but, honestly? it didn't hurt a bit. i like my job. right now, i live for my job. i'm lucky enough to have one that i'm passionate about. i have been feeling truly blessed since the year began. it has been proving itself to get better everyday. and even if there are some parts of my existence that i'm not too happy about. i can't really complain. i have more than most people drive to have. and much more than people who gets satisfied living with less.

wake up and smell the coffee

i don't do mondays. and what's worse, i don't do mornings. that's basically the reason why working for the call center industry has worked so well for me. i'm nocturnal. a bit of a vampire sometimes. that's why the next five weeks is going to be a real challenge for me. it's going to take real effort to wake up and smell the morning coffee. i've been used to having the evening coffee for some time now. but so help me, i'm going to have the morning coffee with a bit of real breakfast. life has pobably never felt more surreal. and all because i'll be working during the day instead of the night. doesn't that sound just weird to you?

extremes

the week before last week was a real hell week for me. you see, i don't get bad days. i get really bad weeks. and that week proved its worth. unbelievably, you'll realize that the things you have always believed in may not be true after all. and the people you trust with everything that you have can still betray you. nothing seems to be sacred in this world, after all. i never thought i would have to go through doubting something i thought was unquestionable. i have trust issues. i admit that. i don't trust easily. but when i do, i can't seem to help but trust a person completely. i'll take your word for it, and it won't even matter if eveyone else says otherwise. it's kind of ironic to realize that the person you thought knew that best about you would go out of her way to lie to you. and not just the small white lies. that i can let go. but the fabricated stories kind. the kind that would make a person really believe in it. the kind you actually plan to lie about. the funny thing about is it, i understand the reason why she lied. but i can't seem to figure out why she would lie to me. i'm not trying to be pompous here. it's just that i would have understood her reasons far better than i would have understood her lying. what's even funnier is she never tried to explain why. or said sorry. she only says she knows and she understands. which makes it a bigger shit than it appears to. i don't want to get angry. but i don't think i can still trust much after this.

the week that came after that kind of compensated the previous week. mainly because i got promoted. i was extremely nervous throughout the process. i never really dared to imagine that i could get the job. apparently, i'm someone they're looking for. my friends were telling me it was probably meant for me. because i didn't really intend to apply for that post. but i was asked to revise my application, who would i have thought i'd get in? the euphoria is kind of taking a while to simmer. i was so ecstatic the day i found out that i hugged nearly everyone. some i didn't even know. which, as you'll probably know, is extremely out of character for me. but then, i never thought i'd be a girl who saw the silver lining instead of the cloud. i guess change really just happens and you don't even notice it happening.

regardless if it's about trust or promotions.

the now or never

I've been frightfully busy recently. even my weekends seems to be booked. and the mantra, "so little time" seems to be working out pleasantly with me. and the fact that i'm not bothered about it scares me a little. despite the fact that i have little time for myself, i don't feel burned at all. maybe growth does come like this. time for yourself, is all the time you spend for everything else.

and speaking of growth. i've made a pretty harrassed decision to grow in the company i work for. it's a good decision. and the reason i believe that is because i believe in myself. and i believe in my job as well as the business i'm in. i believe whatever it is that the company represents. i know it's about time i do something like this. three years in the industry, i feel i have proven my worth in the bottom heirarchy already. it's time we expand our horizon. after all, if not now, then when?

the process does scare me a little. but i have confidence that i will do good. besides, even if i don't, i'm just going to keep on applying that they'll eventually get tired of interviewing me and they'll just give me the position. whoever said i didn't have perseverance?

Narda: The Reunion

Narda is back for a reunion gig at Saguijo Cafe in Makati on March 6. You'd really hate to miss this.

you asked for it

when this year started, i knew i wanted more than the normal expectations one would have on a given year. i wanted this year to be something i'll definitely remember. it's closely proving to be that anyway. but then maybe, just maybe, i'm rushing onto things i haven't prepared for yet.
i asked for a leadership training from my lead. she complied. assigned me a two-men committee. the one woman was me. and the other woman happened to be someone with a really strong presonality. i find that i'm having a bit of trouble trying to find ways to approach her. she's older than i am and with regards to life, probably more experienced. she's definitely been around. just not in the industry. and i'm trying to find the best way to tell her that in life, she could be the guru, but in this industry, i'm know my shit.
it probably comes with age. that a person ends to give a lot of unsolicited advice. but if i know something in this life, the elders know a lot. but they don't know everything. i realized that even if i've been through things in my age, there's still things i could learn from someone younger. it's one of the better fascinations of life. the thing is, it's a little hard for me to get around and telling her that without offending her. because if there's another thing i know about older people with strong personalities, the older they get, the more sensitive their pride gets.
she mentioned once that what she noticed in the business was that the people around tend to have masks. it's like saying that people in the industry don't really show you who you are. and i really don't want to come to a stage where i point at my face and tell her that "this, is not a mask." she already seemed to have made a conclusion about the people she's going to work with. and even if she says that she's not trying to be a know-it-all, that is how she ends up sounding like.
i don't want to form conclusions about her that would be unfair. but i guess i need a plan to come around and create a plan to get around this committee. this is what i get for asking for it.

3 kings and a bee

i've been having trouble uploading pictures out here recently. that's why my cam-whore album doesn't look so cam-whorish lately. and the fact that i've been really busy the last few weeks doesn't help me in updating. but i try my best. and for the sake of vanity, i might just keep on posting a blog to show a picture. this one was after the three kings mass my housemates and i attended. and since it was all part of our childhood memories to eat at jollibee after mass, we did just that.

it was our kudos to a great year ahead. not an easy one, but a great one.

stop thinking, star doing

it can explain itself.

started with a bang

i don't know if its a good thing but i definitely started the year like i was going to have a great year ahead. i haven't partied in a long time, and holidays are usually spent with family. it's like a tradition. this was the first year i spent counting down to 2008 with friends on the streets and half-buzzed. it's actually a shame that there were just three of us together. but i definitely enjoyed the fireworks and the celebration. i think i'm like most girls out there. fireworks are fantastic for me. just don't bring out the firecrackers. it has just been five days but i can tell you that i have spent three of the last five days getting merrily buzed. not drunk, mind you. i think i'm past the age to be allowed the convenience of getting drunk. just downing enough to feel a little lightheaded.

what's interesting though is that i've also been working my tearducts recently. and at first it kind of bothered me. but i just recently realized that it's a kind of cleansing for me. i'm not crying out of despair anymore. maybe, a little regret. but the next one's reason could just be pure joy. i truly feel like i'm headed there. and the excitement just won't simmer. i feel an anticipaton stronger than i've ever felt before. makes me wonder what i'll find at the bend on the road ahead.