2007 in a nutshell

2007 was a year of opportunities. the number of windows and doors that opened this year for me was enough to get me confused. but it was still fantastic, nevertheless. when i started this year out, i felt something good was going to happen. and although some people might disagree, but i believe it was a good year. i lived one more year through. learned an awful lot, taught some, failed in others, redeemed myself eventually. the best part about it is that it gives great promise for next year. it wasn't a perfect year. i was poor for the most part. but i would remember it as an enjoyable struggle.
and now i can't wait for 2008 to start. something good had already happened. let's see what's something great is.
happy new year to everyone who made this year meaningful. i hope that the next year will be the best you'll have.

looks like it

http://www.myheritage.com/collage

a week of extremes

humor me about the week that happened and i'll probably go ranting and raving in one sentence. although i'll probably go raving first. that interview i was so nervous about turned out okay. it actually ended up more than okay. it was fantastic! i'm starting a career with a banking institution next month after the holidays. and it's something i never expected to happen. since for the most part i was ready to be turned down. but what do you know? i actually got in! *insert lots of happy faces.* in lieu of my hiring, i had to take a pre-employment check-up last thursday. which wasn't easy to start with because it was raining that day and we had to walk because finding the clinic required walking. while lounging in between my CBC and x-ray tests, i found that the news on tv was beginning to become bothering. senator trillanes apparently likes hotels. and he likes them with better accomodations. after walking out of his own court hearing from the makati RTC, he marched to manila peninsula, where my mom happens to be working. in the course of events that happened, with me half the time raving mad with worry, the short story of it is that the hotel ended up being rammed by a tank. fantastic strategy! if it were a boardgame. the thing is, it wasn't war of the generals. it was the real thing.

it bothers me now that people think what happened then was a good strategy. i guess it won't bother them unless it was their workplace or their house that gets driven over by a tank. someone just told me it was a trivial reason to consider the people who were going to clean up after the mess. but i realized that after every brouhaha like this, isn't that what we all do? we clean up. and then later on, we do the same thing. it feels like cleaning up after toddlers. you still try to fix things even if you know that an hour later, the kids are going to scatter their toys again. so is it really trivial? this made me realize that it's a little hard for me to believe in democracy anymore. what's left to believe in? there's no politician without a hidden agenda. they're all in gray areas. there's no black and white anymore. just a lot of people trying to sound smart. just when i decided to stay, i realize i don't have much belief in my country anymore. and it's painful to realize something like this because i lived believing in it for so long. everyone is so jaded it's easy to brush this off as jst another scenario. it didn't do any good anyway. and all you have are people left to pick up the pieces again.

summons from the rat race

maybe if i didn't like what i was doing i'd have little hesitation getting back to doing something i don't like as much. but i do like what i'm doing. and the only thing i dislike about it is the fact that it doesn't pay the bills as much. and the insipid manager who doesn't really have much between his ears. other than those two things, working as a trainer has been fantastic. although you do have to consider the fact that there's little room for career growth. i don't think there even is room for growth. but otherwise, teaching others has been very satisfying. i enjoyed sharing something to my students and learning something from them as well. it gives a kind of satisfaction that no amount of money seems to give you.

but at the end of the day, you come home and think you ought to be getting more than canned tuna for dinner. canned tuna is good, don't get me wrong. i like it best with eggs. but i have an adventurous taste bud, and it craves for a variety of tastes. so i'm answering the summons from the rat race. if only to make my taste buds happy.

the thing is though, i 'm getting a little nervous. i don't really know what i'm in for. but i sure hope i don't come home disappointed tomorrow. but i guess it's best to prepare yourself for the worst. breathe in, breathe out.

facing the ghost of summer past

i have been okay so far. i kind of believed that myself. in my existence there weren't many events to really brag about. just that i've somehow survived the bad parts. and i have been coping well. albeit with a wall. but it's not like anyone's complaining. since the time i have accepted the will to move on, i've been pretty much waiting for the next best thing. but life sure knows how to shove it up your ass sometimes.

it was the summer i loved and learned. i have accepted its fate as the cherished memory. something i'll probably always look back to. and i have quietly struggled through my life since, hoping to move on. and i believe i have been doing fine. i had tried to let go of the thing i couldn't hold on to. despite the valiant effort i made to search, he just wasn't there. and i ended up believing that maybe he just didn't want to be there anymore.

until now. when his ghost is visiting me. just around christmas.

i haven't confirmed it yet. but i'm not missing my chances again. it may or may not be my summer santa. but i'm not going to just sit around and wonder if it is.

half of me wants it to be him so much. the other half doesn't know where to stand. i guess i'll find out soon enough.

it ends tonight

i'm borrowing the title from all american rejects. it sounds like my current redemption song. so it really sounds more like a break up song than anything else, but there are certain lines that kind of makes me feel about burrying a bad thing and letting it go.

The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

all my hesitations ends tonight. there's no turning back after this point. i've learned that in this life, you live, you learn, and you let go. the last being very significant. i've had my doubts and worries. i've constantly asked myself if i'm doing the right thing and making the right decisions. am i not gonna regret them? but just listening to the song just now, it kind of just hit me that you dont decide to regret things later on. at this time, all you can do is make a move.
and so it ends tonight. whatever doubts i had about the decisions i've made, they all end here tonight. no time to blink. just time to go. i may or may not regret the choices i've made. but in the future, when i look back to this time, i know i can tell myself i was happy making this decision. i'm not gonna have a walk in the park. but i'll be happy trudging. no doubts. no hesitations. they all end tonight.

blame it to insomnia

so, what do i write about when there's absolutely nothing in my head and i have a bout of insomnia? i can't sleep, and i have this feeling of wanting to write something but nothing is brimming up. i'm a little lost at where i am. the last few years, i have been curiously avoiding what i want to do in favor of doing what needs to be done. when i decided that dang it all, i want to do things that makes me happy, the fates again decides against it.

my dad's sick now. he's in the hospital and i'm a little over a few miles away. trying to get a job that would pay the bills. i'm not sure if i'm going to be disappointed again but i sure hope to hell not. i'm getting tired of trying to figure out what or where i'm supposed to be. when trying to make a decision, i've told myself repeatedly that it's easy. take your options, weigh them carefully, make a choice and stick to it. it's not working for this one. so is it time to change my script? why do i always feel like something's missong? now, more than ever? what is it that i'm missing? i know man is bound to be uncontented until death takes us all. but why this restlessness? i can't decide and i can't figure out if i'm doing the right thing or just doing the thing i'm supposed to be doing. it was much easier when i was deliriously depressed. at least i couldn't care less of anyone else.

which means it makes much more sense being selfish.

a fork on the road ahead

when i actually decided that change was a good thing, it seems to have been joyous of my acceptance that it has been lavishing me with recurring changes since. they're good changes, don't get me wrong. so far, there doesn't seem to be something that wouldn't be good for me. the thing about change though, is that when it moves in this pace, it leaves behind a lot that can't keep up. and that's what i hate about it. because even if i have already accepted the fact that constant change is imperative, it doesn't change the fact that i still don't lke coping with the aftershocks. like letting go. or moving on. besides that, in the constance of change, certain things will eventually overlap. a chance to stay here. and a chance to move elsewhere. there has been a recent change at work. and it was a good one. i just finished an uptraining which deems positive results. i also had good feedbacks last week on that training consultant position i was applying for. and my class is almost done with our level 2 mandarin lessons. by next month, we're hoping to finish level 3.

the whirlwind i've caught myself into just seems to take me places. it's a little hard to keep up with myslelf. there's an effort to it, but so far, i'm dping good. except for that brief account with diarrhea, i've been okay.

but then, somehow, i still feel like that carousel. not in the sense that my life still feels redundant. but the trouble with any carnival ride is that it never seems to be enough. you get on it, then 5 minutes later it's over. and it's fine, really. it's even fun. but something always seems to be missing. and what bothers me is that when i've accepted that fact that something is missing, then do i just accept that fact that that missing part will never be found? will the rest of my life be just like this? fun, but not enough. should i just resolve to accept that i will not find everything that i'm looking for?

i've asked enough.

learning to breathe

i got sick last week. the 38 degrees fever type of sick. i haven't been that sick in a while. but then, i rarely do get ill. breathing was a little hard for about five days. i felt myself drifting through sleep, fully clothed and drowned in covers, my mouth slightly open as i try to suck air into my lungs. then exhale shortly. then suck in air again. breathing has never been so hard.

i had a case of infectious diarrhea according to doctor's findings. there was a bacteria that wormed it's way into me and caused the whole chaos. i'm fine now. took in a couple of tablets in th next days and sweated myself out of toxins. the little bacteria finally wormed it's way out.

immersing in the culture of manila

i am no longer afraid of quiapo.  which is something to be proud of since i'm known to have a fear of the place.  in the dire situation that i would find myself in that place, i will call you up crying.  but that was before.  every now and then, i find myself in quiapo.  my first awareness of it happened when i got my first nbi clearance.  for the next three years, i would find myself there every now and then looking and finding all the most unusual and cheapest things you could think of.  from accessories to other anik-anik to dvds (shhh..) to angel wings to almost everything.  i have grown a liking to the place with it's mediocre manila chaos and danger.  the one thing i still can't do there though is take a picture.  something i;ve been really wanting to do.  it's a haven of photo ops.  but you'll probably lose everything you came with if you dared.  and i'm not that brave yet. 

the one thing lacking in that place though is a good coffee spot.  not that it's something you'd espect out of it.  but it would be nice to get a good coffee after scourging the perimeter of the church for the best bargains.  although it would be hard to find a spot for such a business in quiapo.  every other space is spoken for.  that's what happened to me today with aj.  we went around quiapo looking for the good stuff and when we we're tired from all the searching, we started looking for coffee.  we ended up searching in the dapitan area for such a thing.  but we came up short-handed.  after having dinner at wendy's, i guess we were still craving for coffee.  we walked through half the perimeter of UST looking for one.  and what do you know, we actually ended up in u-belt.  all that walking sent us to a small coffee shop catering to college students by the san beda area.  it was actually good coffee.  and pretty cheap.  but then, most of their clients aren't working yet. 

i ended the day here.  close to home, writing about my day and hoping i won't be late for my morning class tomorrow.

pirate hunting

i went out looking for a copy of "mars" or "silence" or "hana yori dango."  i ended up getting a carriedo famous 8 in 1 copy of korean films.  at least it has "the classic" in it.

a call to my muse

i was going through my boxed stuff earlier today when i found my collection of wallet-sized photos.  there was a load of them.  there was a variety of faces involved.  some i still see, some i don't anymore, and some i now dislike.  a lot of them made me smile.  like the 4th year prom photos.  or the studio-taken ones that has a lot of story going on in them.  there were some faces i really miss.  like drew's.  photograph's really carry stories in them.  and ever since, i have liked holding the camera more than being the one seeing the flash.  i even have memories of having two rolls of film during my high school retreat and having about only two shots of me in it.  it was only at the advent of camera phones that i started taking pictures of myself more often.  what we fondly call "boker."  but lately, i haven't been toying with the lenses.  like with my writings and my music, i felt like i have deteriorated in my passion for artistic expression.  i'm trying to rectify this.  and i'm trying to figure out why it's harder for me to create something this time around.  when i'm older and have gained a better perspective.  when i've made mistakes and learned some lessons.  the only conclusion i could come up with is that the difference between me then and me now is that i'm happier now.  i wrote a lot when i was depressed.   that's easy to understand.  since we express ourselves better when we're dealing with pain.  it's a lot harder to describe a good feeling than a bad one.  but it frustrates me to feel that i have to be sad to produce something good with my works.  that is the seed of doubt in my so-called artistic abilities.  that i can only write or take good photos or play music when i'm not happy. 

so, this is a call to my muse.  i'm not sad right now.  but i need you.  please come up and identify yourself.

i seriously don't want to get pissed.

for the love of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, just return the damned thing.

 

red letter day

there's more than one reason why i don't like valentine's.  and it's not because of the lack of a significant someone.  that may amount to something, but not exactly in my existence.  i always seem to find my schedule on a valentine's with an appointment to visit a bank.  and visits to the money house isn't exactly my favorite chore.  add to that pissing reality, is this unbelievable traffic that can only occur on valetine's day.  i always, and i say that this never fails in the last four valetine's of my life, somehow get late to an appointment.  this year it was my meeting with aj.  we we're supposed to have lunch.  and i was able to meet her at roughly 1700.  the trip from ayala to megamall took so long i found myself sleeping then waking up and not being there yet.  and when i did get there, this mass of the population decided to grace megamall with their prescence.  along with the banners and balloons and bears and flowers to fully commercialize the season.   given all of these facts, could you possibly blame me for not being a patriot of this day? 

but then, as i was about to pass this day as another valentine that failed me, something happened.  after my very delayed lunch with aj, i went to powerbooks to buy a book.  i've been eyeing this steve berry novel i've seen last week.  so i went back for it.  after i payed for it, the lady who took my purchase gave me a single long-stemmed rose.  i'm not a fan of roses.  i'm more of the lilies type.  but it amused me that my entertaining affection with books could actually be a very galant date on a day so commercialized.  sweet?  could be.  i'll be giving the rose to my mother. 

welcome to the backroom

this is the place

where i will almost leave you behind 

where i will start carving your name

on the pillows

and pray that it stays there 

next to where my head lies

when it's dreaming

where you will remain,

as i while the day away eating

bananas dipped in melted chocolate

while i walk dreaming,

you will stay awake through the nocturne 

and i will keep you there

sleeping

wishing you'll never wake in me

what i always hoped you would

that your existence will be forgotten

as you hold yourself close

beneath the walls

and you'll never run out

of where i kept you  

welcome

make yourself comfortable

you'll never leave this place

again

Check out my Slide Show!

china..shoes..foodtrip..series..

china reproves why it's one of my favorite places in the world.  i failed in my attempt to not buy anything. again, i went home with a couple pairs of shoes.  not bad.  last time i went home with three.  maybe next time i'll survive with just one. 

another reason why i like that place so much is because it's the closest place i know where i can buy those really yummy japanese street food.  those creamy balls that have squids in them.  then it's drizzled with sweet mayonnaise and fried onion skin.  yum.  i never get to buy them anywhere else.  maybe in japan.  but i won't be there anytime soon. 

and then there's pang yao's place.  this little version of carriedo that is my haven for tv series' that i love.  which now includes a new favorite.  heroes.   fantastic thing.  maybe the number of characters can be confusing.  but it's fascinating.  so let me get back at it.

but of course, criminal minds still tops my list.

what i need is a sound board

when people say they need someone to talk to, they're usually not looking for advice.  when they want advice, they'll ask for it.  but what they usually need is someone who'll just listen.  a sound board, so to speak.  that's what i need right now.  i don't need advice, solicited or otherwise.  my life couldn't possibly be less messier than the next person.  if it's hard for them to get things fixed, i don'tsee how they'll make much improvement in mine.  i just need someone who'll listen and nod their head every now and then to what i'm saying.  and asking me questions that will lead me to the advice they want to give me without me realizing i'm being advised.  a shrink, perhaps?  but then,they're too expensive for my lifestyle.  i need something cheaper.  takers?  anyone?

language issues

i'm listening to delispice right now.  a korean modern rock band.  if you watch korean film versions hollywood has been so adamant on remaking lately then they would probably sound familiar to you.  theydon't have any song in english and i don't understand a grain of korean, but i listen to them.  i have an addiction on utada hikaru music.  i even have her singles album.  and i own the soundtrack of rurouni kenshin. and the only thing english in it is a line that goes "it's gonna rain.."  but i listen to them.  i like them, actually.  sometimes it's not what the lyrics that makes sense to you.  it's those sounds that doesn't have words in them.  that's what's beautiful about music.  it doesn't need a language to be understood.  so even if i don't understand rat's ass about what the whole song is saying, i understand that there's an emotion that goes with it.  and if it affects you so much even if you don't understand it, then you don't need much to like it.

10 degrees

the human body temperature is normally 98 degrees.  i'm surrounded by 10 degrees of cold draft.  it's getting colder everyday as it happens.  it's a lot harder to bathe everyday even with the heater on.  i can now understand how jose rizal managed to not take a bath for a month when he was in spain. and it's not even snowing here.  but i do bathe, mind you.  despite freezing while at it.

my mind's kind of frozen up too, lately.   i haven't written anything i liked in a while.  although i have several ideas cropping up.  i wanted to go back to writing when i left info.  i wanted to write the way i used to write again.  but things have kind of frozen up.  and i have to thaw things out first before i start to get back to writing anything serious again. 

i'm revisiting my old blog lately.  reading a lot about what i used to say on paper.  i'm not being cocky, but i sometimes get across something i've written before and i manage to surprise myself.  the kind of insight i had on things.  but there are some parts i've read that made me realize i wasn't any smarter then either.  what i do know for sure, though is i'm happier now.  maybe because i was in the state of depression before.  i wasn't diagnosed, but i know the signs.  it's easier to become optimistic now.  and become hopeful.  i understand that we all get through those dark stages.  but then, when you've reached the bottom of the pit, there's no other way to go but up. 

and that is how you keep yourself warmer in 10 degrees.