just when

just when you believe you're already okay, you look beyond yourself and then the world surprises you. you're not okay. you're just living through the pain because there's no other way but to. lately, i have innumerable urges to cry. and that is a wonder to me because i have somehow trained myself to not to. what can be so sad about my existence right now that i have no other alternative?

everything is sad about my existence right now. just before i'm leaving it all, i'm starting to think that i'm not much of a loss. you evaluate the value of your existence and you come lacking. i don't think anyone intended to become the worst replica of themselves. we come out into this world thinking we will be the best we can be, but more or less we end up being the shit of our existence. we try our damnable hardest to excel and later on realize that we've been chasing after the wrong good things after all. in all the times i've been depressed, i have learned to be comfortable about being sad. but the sadness this realization evoked in me was beyond what i can live through. it's no only sad, it also happens to be painful.

i have never questioned whatever kind of trial fate threw on me. i somehow figured out that these things were the things that would make you strong. on all those shits i've gone through, i never once questioned why. experiencing life was enough answer. i was never one to ask God why. why me. why now. why not, right? and then lately i see that the same strength i was building from all those shit is the same strength that makes me less human. it's the same end where all that's bad of me grew from. and then i ask myself, this is your idea of strong? pity.

for the first time in my life, i pitied myself. i pitied the girl who became me. the girl who learned to be so strong that she hardly ever cried. the same girl who learned to be strong that she never had to have anyone else take care of her. the same strong girl who fended off on her own that she expected everyone else were the same. the same one who becomes selfish enough to think only of herself because no one else happened to be selfless. so she had to be strong. the price of one's own strength. you're not even bound to realize the sadness of your existence. just when you believe you're already okay.

in a word, redemption

we all live through our own tragedies. each person is a story. and each story has it's own tragedy. how we face these tragedies is what makes each story unique. to each his own, so they say.

the last series i watched with uninhibited abandon was Mars. it stars vic zhou and barbie hsu, of meteor garden fame. it's not a sequel, if that's what you think. it's a totally different drama about two people living trough their tragedies and trying to get over them. trying to find a way in this life to forget and move on. trying to find, in a word, redemption. it was explained early in the series why it's caled mars. after the god of war. known to be temperamental and vindictive. but despite all that, he is also the god who helps people get through their tragedies. the god of redemption. and these two characters, chen ling and han qui luo, happen to be seeking for their own mars. someone who'll help them through their tragedy. someone they'll find in each other.

the series first caught my attention because, chen ling plays a biker. the real kind. the kind who races for speed. and since i have my history with bikers, i couldn't help but watch. just sit and watch. and the fact that vic zhou is yummier here than he ever was in meteor garden didn't hurt very much. as the story progresses and you acquaint yourself more with their stories, i realized that this series was proving itself far better than i expected. every character had a story to tell. every tragedy of their own. and sooner or later, you symphatize, even just a little, for them. as what chen ling's father said. in our life, we have good memories and bad memories. but somehow, it's the bad ones that linger more than the good ones. it's the sad part of our stories that affect us more. and sometimes, it affects us so much that it's the demon inside us we're fighting off already. and the even sadder part is that a lot of times, this demon wins. and we try to fight it each time it beckons. until you've fought it all that you have no more strength but to give up. and there isn't even glory in that. and who amongst us hadn't had any downfall?

i related to the characters in way that anyone would have. maybe a little bit more because there where times when i was watching that series that i felt sadder because i was watching someone familiar. mainly because he was a biker. he wasn't as violent as chen ling. in truth, i never saw him hit anyone. he didn't have that much issues. he had dreams besides racing on the track. and he never colored his hair. but seeing something similar in them wasn't hard. and maybe it just made me miss him. more so because i was seeing something i could have had.

as for mars and finding redemption, it couldn't possibly have hit closer to home.