green also stands for envy

why is it that what normally makes people proud of you are the same things that makes the same people so freakingly intimidated by you. ever since i started working, i never imposed myself on anyone. i never gave out money and told them they owe me. i'm the worst lending business that never started. if that were the business i'd venture in, i'd file bankruptcy before i even start. i have no future in credit and collection. now, i'm wondering why certain people feel i'm getting things in my head just because i have a job. punyeta.

i'm not even supposed to be doing this. i stand to be corrected, but i seem to remember that i'm still supposed to be spending these days as a struggling education specimen for the colleges. i got here by sheer accident. and the reason i'm staying is because i want to go back to being that specimen. i want to finish that part of my existence.

when i was living the life of a sabbatical bum, nobody seemed to mind that there's nothing happening to my existence except myself. now that something productive is happening, people starts getting bugged. and in turn, starts bugging me.

i'm thinking maybe i should resign. i needed the work because i needed the money. but i was doing okay without it. true, i wasn't much of a contribution to society, but no one seemed to mind. except me, that is. and what the hell does my opinion matter when there are two people who think i'm too smart for my own good? and too damned proud as well. i may plead guilty to the second part, i never denied that out of the seven sins, it is pride that seems to manifest itself best in me. but i thought this was also the same thing that would make them proud of me. what is it they want out of me anyway? to be a glorified poser? someone who'll do what they think i should do because "it's better for me" or it "fits me well?" since when did they write the book about me? i never did anything that would satisfy anyone but myself (i also happen to be rotten selfish. not a very nice person, am i?). what makes them think i'd start now?

punyeta talaga.

++++++

"Success breeds contempt"

-The Last Don by Mario Puzo