it ends tonight

i'm borrowing the title from all american rejects. it sounds like my current redemption song. so it really sounds more like a break up song than anything else, but there are certain lines that kind of makes me feel about burrying a bad thing and letting it go.

The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

all my hesitations ends tonight. there's no turning back after this point. i've learned that in this life, you live, you learn, and you let go. the last being very significant. i've had my doubts and worries. i've constantly asked myself if i'm doing the right thing and making the right decisions. am i not gonna regret them? but just listening to the song just now, it kind of just hit me that you dont decide to regret things later on. at this time, all you can do is make a move.
and so it ends tonight. whatever doubts i had about the decisions i've made, they all end here tonight. no time to blink. just time to go. i may or may not regret the choices i've made. but in the future, when i look back to this time, i know i can tell myself i was happy making this decision. i'm not gonna have a walk in the park. but i'll be happy trudging. no doubts. no hesitations. they all end tonight.

blame it to insomnia

so, what do i write about when there's absolutely nothing in my head and i have a bout of insomnia? i can't sleep, and i have this feeling of wanting to write something but nothing is brimming up. i'm a little lost at where i am. the last few years, i have been curiously avoiding what i want to do in favor of doing what needs to be done. when i decided that dang it all, i want to do things that makes me happy, the fates again decides against it.

my dad's sick now. he's in the hospital and i'm a little over a few miles away. trying to get a job that would pay the bills. i'm not sure if i'm going to be disappointed again but i sure hope to hell not. i'm getting tired of trying to figure out what or where i'm supposed to be. when trying to make a decision, i've told myself repeatedly that it's easy. take your options, weigh them carefully, make a choice and stick to it. it's not working for this one. so is it time to change my script? why do i always feel like something's missong? now, more than ever? what is it that i'm missing? i know man is bound to be uncontented until death takes us all. but why this restlessness? i can't decide and i can't figure out if i'm doing the right thing or just doing the thing i'm supposed to be doing. it was much easier when i was deliriously depressed. at least i couldn't care less of anyone else.

which means it makes much more sense being selfish.