i never thought this would be so hard. i never foresaw that taking a great leap of fate was going to be so taxing. or painful. when i handed my resignation in last friday, i was grateful that i wasn't going to take calls for another day. but when my teammates started to say goodbye and tell me how much they'll miss me, i started to get sad. but the real blow was when i handed in my badge and ID. i would never go back this way again. i wasn't going to enter this building again as an employee. i wasn't going to do the same nightly ritual i did for two and a half years. i wasn't going to see the people i grew familiar and loved through those years. i was moving out of the comfort zone. something brave to do. but something that makes me sad. this is the price of moving forward. i'm going to be brave and face the world, what it has to offer me, at the expense of the people i grew to care about.
life really is peculiar. it doesn't give you everything all at the same time. when someone's wish comes true, someone else will be crying. and in this case, that same someone is me. i wish i could say that i'll be leaving without regrets. but i'll be leaving behind people who mattered to me. seeing my bestfriend last saturday was even more unnerving than leaving the company i worked for. something really good is happening to her these days, and she says she's never been happier. but the pessimist in her comes out because she believes that this happiness has a price. and the price is losing me. i tell her not to think that way. but then that's not going to stop me from leaving, right?
we have to lead lives that will be stories we'd be proud to tell in our old age. and i know that this life i've lead the last two years will be a part of that story. i feel that if i don't leave, the story will not end as happily as i'd like it to end. that somehow, i'm going to miss the best parts of my life. and i don't want them to just pass me by. i don't want the world to unravel when i wouldn't be there to see it. but to see the world with my eyes open and it laid down before me, i have to break away. i have to leave people behind and fare through it on my own with a bravery i have yet to find in me. i've learned all this. i know all this. i understand all this. but then, understanding isn't the hard part. it's accepting all of it that's the hardest. and somehow, i'm still trying to get through that.