low fly butterfly

nix isn't leaving, after all! yay!

-

when i got into the Exchange, i realized that i haven't been commiting myself to writing for some time now. and it's sad in a way, because it has been the fuel that kept me burning for the longest time. and now that my time is being consumed by work, there seems to be lesser time to the things that used to be the most important things for me. i realized also that i haven't updated any of the fictions i published some months back, and i haven't gotten any rantings from any of my readers. when, i checked, the last time i updated was last march. no wonder. they have probably gotten tired of pestering me. when i met up with chulie last sunday, we talked about our updates for a while. the thing about her is she already finished two and has made a graceful exit by asking another author to finish her fiction. i could do that. but i don't want to. it's like selling your own pets for someone else to raise. and that's why i'm not a very good businessman. i get too attached with my subjects. so i decided that i have to continue them if only to finish what i started. most of my readers have grown up since they started reading it two years ago. see? it has been two years! so i resolved to finish it. i only hope i don't truly procrastinate.

-

pretty low fly butterfly
your ardent colors make me cry
your graceful dance is all it takes
to make the million
sleepers wake
you fly not more than above the ground
though you aim for the silver-lined cloud
from the coccoon
that sheltered you well
you went and discovered the world beyond
your shell
but with painstaking stains of greed
that
cloths your pretty wings you feed
earth beneath the wind you
fly
and grime upon the form you buy
don't dance your
naked soul to greed
for you don't fly a rightful lead
don't let your need be more than most
and end up claiming
all empty boast
it's when you reach what you can that you're
high
it's when a low fly butterfly reaches the sky

+11 april 2004
+19:23

i hate losing people. no matter how dimunitive they might seem in my life. and nix wasn't dimunitive anymore. she was already a friend. i' already used to going home with her. and i'm already used with all of her antics. it's true that i take a while to warm up to people. but when i do warm up, i make sure i'm all commited. and i can't even bitch about boss jay either. because he's doing his job. he hadn't wanted to do that. i kinda feel that my loyaltis are beginning to be tested. and i'm not picking any side, dammit. i'm not picking any side.

-

i gotta stop checking his friendster every time i log on. i feel like a stalker already. dammit.

i feel so beat. but that's okay. this week proved to be productive. i got into the Exchange staff and i met them last wednesday. they evidently liked my application pieces because mch decided to publish two of them. well, i hated my news writing skills, anyway. i felt like i wasn't going to do much anyway so i commited myself to writing another feature which is kind of different because it's a book review. i'll be talking about dan brown! yay! loved robert langdon so i suppose it wouldn't be too hard to rave. i think it's just going to be hard to bitch about it. and i don't want to sound like i'm too much of a fan. i'm still supposed to be objective, you know.

i haven't seen my friends in a month. and i'm definitely missing. the new people i've met have all been wonderful. don't get me wrong. but it's not like i'm just going to forget my old friends just because new ones came in.

oh well...

to approve or not to approve?  that, dearest, is the question.  he's been hanging out there on the pending list like a gum stuck on your ceiling.  he doesn't matter much to me anymore.  i guess, there's no reason for me keep that grudge.  it's not like friendster's actually personal.  i resolved to burry the hatchet.  it wouldn't mean we're going back to being chums anyway.  besides, it's so freaking childish of me to keep on doing this when our worlds' are too closely intertwined.  oh well, guess he'll be friend number 96.
 
-
 
i found out his name already.  i'm not gonna share it here because this is a public blog and you can very well not know who could be peeking in these pages.  although knowing his name doesn't quite do anything.  he's still a stranger.  to him, i'm still a stranger.  another burned csr on the floor.  besides, he's in a relationship.  and this is just a crush.  it's not like i'm gonna marry someday or something.  i guess, it's just something to gush about with jc when we see each other.  our beloved crush who has a knack for charming beguiled csrs.
 
-
 
interesting...the boone and bane of this week.

the world is getting smaller. this was exactly one of the reasons why i din't want to to get into friendster. now, i'm being haunted again. he just have that way of waltzing back into your life like he's some damned ghost. i guess, i have to face my demons now, huh? i've eluded it for far too long already. but then again, i don't really have to, do i? he's made the virtual effort of invting me in his friends' list. like we're old chums who found each other in the whole wide web world. the truth is, we are old chums. it's just that, we're not going back there anymore. he's decided to become friends again. he's actually beginning to build the bridge back. i'm just not willing to meet it from my end. when i saw him last sunday, sporting that ever present smile, i had half the mind to kick his ass then there. forget the fact that i was a girl in heels and skirt. forget the fact that we were in front of my mom. forget the fact that we were in a freakin' mall. i just wanted to kick his ass, just so i could vent even a quarter of my anger. just so he'd realize he wasn't all that good. and just so he'd know, he's such an ass and a half.