where is faith?

i'm in macau. i just wanted the world to know that.

proof of the existence of a divine being

There is a God.

that's something i realized or re-realized (if there is such a thing) this afternoon. i've been on my toes this last two days since i applied for a passport. i was informed that you need two valid IDs to be able to claim your passport. and i am lacking in that department. all i really have for identification is my company ID. that's it. i don't have an SSS ID. i don't have a license. i don't even have a postal ID. so there i was tettering on the edge of self-recrimation all because of an identification card or the lack thereof, which i needed in an amount of two days, when it occured to me that i can get a postal ID in a day. that was option number 1. then i could also apply for a student's permit since it has a picture that goes with it. which became option number two. or i could get an NBI clearance when all else fails. which, of course, falls to option number 3. but two things hindered my undertakings. one, i work a night shift. two, i'm the worlds' biggest perpetual procrastinator. the night shift factor meant that i'm usually in slumber on hours that are considered normal working hours. and i fall short on trying to time everyting because i seem to like to do everything in a rush. which becomes the explanation for my tardiness.

the postal ID became out of the option when i realized i don't really know where the city post office is. and i really wouldn't care to know. i knew where the post office of another city is because it's right across the street from where i work. and my mom said, on this i believed her, that you have to get your postal ID from your own city. i valiantly tried to get a student permit then. i didn't even sleep the day through. in fact, i went on endshift the night before when there wasn't truly anything i'm meaning to do. just so i could sleep through the shift and compensate for the coming day when i'll be staying awake till the morning after. i got to the LTO office two hours before the appointed time of my passport pickup. i could have been there earlier, hadn't i been stopped by a humongous traffic. a traffic that will become the almost ruin of my day and my efforts. once i got there, i immediately asked for a form and proceeded to fill it up (i was stuck with the space for weight in kg for a minute because can't even tell how much i weight in pounds much more in kilograms). but when i proceeded to pass the form, grateful that i have a photocopy of my birth certificate, ID pictures (from the passport application), and my TIN number. but when i looked the requirements over, it said original copy of birth certificate with photocopy. i was stumped. i don't go around carrying my birth certificate, you know. the paper used for it is a veritable antique and i wouldn't risk it with the polluted air of manila. so i asked the even more veritable antique male behind the counter if the photocopy would suffice. but he said no. in the most superior tone he could muster. no, madam. that can't do. i wanted to grab his collar and strangle him. but eternally polite, i just said thank you and left. having less than two hours to get to DFA in time, i decided to just ride a cab and risk the lack of ID since all else failed and that included a chance to even try for an NBI clearance.

and what happened after? i went through seven stages of hellish traffic. that's what happened. the cab turned to Roxas Blvd. 20 minutes to closing. and he nearly got me late because he had this absurd notion that i was going to the Japanese Embassy. or was that the Taiwanese Embassy? i don't know. but i specifically told him DFA. i don't know which letter he didn't understand. i nearly tripped getting in since the steps where wet from the recent downpour. and i was in front of the counter with ten minutes to spare. i was ready to give an exceptional narration i prepared during the very long and very irritating cab ride about why i'm showing up with just one ID. but the guy behind the counter just took my reciept, looked for my passport from the bundle, looked at my picture there, then at me, had the gall to ask me if it was my child (albeit in a joking manner), made me sign some doggerel, then handed me what i came there for. that was it. no explanations. no pressures. he didn't even ask to see an ID. when i realized that i wouldn't have to put up a fight to claim my own passport, i couldn't help myself. i had to grin. the cheeky, plucky, cheshire cat-type grin.

so you see? There is a God.

now i have to think of the plane ticket.

resolution

i started writing here believing i could actually make this the last thing i write about him. but no. three sentences and i'm a goner. i still can't let go. i'm supposed to give up on this. it has been what? ten thousand years? i'm exaggerating. but still, it has been so long ago anyone with a quarter of a brain would know that it's time to move on. that i should have moved on. and for a while there i really, truly believed i have. but again, no. i can't look back and not linger. i can't reminisce about what have been and not feel the painful betrayal. not that i was truly betrayed. that's part of the thing that would boggle anyone who hears me ranting about this five-year old dilemma. there wasn't any part in history where i could be placed under the betrayed category. how could i? we never went that far. he cheated first before we got there. and here i thought you get the girl first then you cheat afterwards. but then it's still too late for me. i was already blindly in love. stupid wretch that i am.

i need to find the resolve to get over this. to get over him. i've been happy about myself once. after the sunset that gave me my sunrise taught me how to be. and going back to dwelling in the pain have been too easy. probably because i've lived in it for so long it seems like second nature to me. but i have learned to let go of the drama for one time. i have learned to live. albeit in pretense of happiness. but i have learned that for a while. and i found that although i have been comfortable in living with that pain, the lightness of living in happiness was more exalting. and although a part of me believes i do not truly deserve that happiness, i still yearn to experience it in my existence. and even if it might seem naive, i know in that happiness i can start searching for my contentment. and finding that will stop me from being a glorious disappointment.

octoberfest

last week was a bit of a turmoil. impertinence happening when you least expect it and from whom you least expect it from. bad callers just when you thought you weren't taking calls for the night (lo an' behold, must be your QA day). the tv failing you and you realize you can't watch anything or even hear anything because your only player will only work with a tv output. being declined for your credit card application just when you realize that you need one (sayang ang miles!). seeing your payslip slowly deteriorating to nothingness every other week. and capping it all off with 68 hours of no sleep. it's a good thing there's always beer.

we promised ourselves beer would be essential if come friday night and we won't have endshift VTO. we spent the whole day friday being glorified mall rats. me, lala, reign and ace. so beer has to happen if endshift didn't. so off we go come morning after breakfast at kfc to digi's. the midnight oil people's choice of recreation because they have practically everything on 24/7. the day proved to be entertaining. not only was lala able to give deric his gift (and old rose jimmy hendrix shirt i'd love to have myself). not only did we amuse ourselves by doing the mandatory videoke. not only did we all diss about love and it's after effects when messed with alcohol (all of us seemed to be singles, except for reign and grace). not only did we suddenly sober up when grace's boyfriend texted her saying he's outside her apartment for a surprise visit when she's out "doing grocery." not only did santi perk us up with her unending number of jokes. but the other table staged a lovapalooza. couples kissing and eating each other up right beneath the widescreen vidoeke, just for everyone to see. their love story unfolded right before our very eyes. the interesting part is that none of them seemed to be couples before they started drinking. ah...the illusions that alcohol create. i hope they don't regret it when they wake up.

it just dawned on me that we did open up the octoberfest. yesterday was october 1. start of the month-long celebration for the concoction that we all love and call beer. i guess i still have a social life after all. although i must admit, i don't really have much money these days.

oh well, you can't have it all now, can you?