retrospection

this entry was imported from my former blog. written as the date states. i just want to remember. remember that this is something i shouldn't forget.

Monday, November 24, 2003

i haven't updated anything on ff for the simple reason that i don't have anything to upload. i have been having bouts of unexplainable retardation lately. blame it to all my new habits. the violin has been taking up an excessive amount of my time. i actually feel like i'm beginning to have a relationship with it..scary...
plus..well..this times when i just sit and think if i'm actually any good as writer. there are times when you feel like you are so mused that you could probably write the oracle. there are other times though, when you feel like another realm just begins to envelope you. at times i wonder if this sort-of regression is just another phase..or is it an introduction to a different plane? now that i actually haven't been as stagnant as i used to be, i am again beginning to get confused. my life before this, before the life-altering three months i spent in bicol, was all about my carousel. it involved nothing much more than my writings. my moving, yet not going anywhere. for about a year, i spent my life in this kind of trance.
and then i got myself someone who i didn't care much about, but cared about nonetheless, who in someway, actually taught me how to believe. it's strange because i realized everything that person actually did to me just now. i was never the person who lived to regret the things i did. i had this philosophy that regretting one thing is regretting everything that comes after that. it's therefore regretting the rest of your life. when i left, i didn't regret what happened. i thought of it as a learning experience. (don't use anyone for the sake of experience. karma comes in threefolds..that sort of stuff.) what i didn't realized then was he was probably the lesson i was looking for. with him began a turning point in my life. only now, do i realize that knowing someone actually believed in you that much elevates your belief in yourself. if i never went through that experience, i wouldn't have changed anything my old life offered me. i would still have my carousel.
i am actually grateful i learned to forgo whatever inhibitions i had before i got back. it was as if, i left all of it in bicol. which was a good thing granted that i am pretty much happy with who and what i am right now. there are so many things i learned about how my life works because of him. how much of myself i devote to other people regardless of the fact that i insist on being selfish. he taught me how my devotion won't help those people i care about.
in moments like this, i tend to miss him. my insights in living has somehow influenced the way my friends' minds works. in him i found someone i could share my ideas with and with whom i lifted insights from. it was as if i found someone whom my friends saw in me. and sadly, i know i'll never find another one like that again.
but still..no regrets. because that was one of the things i already knew before i met him and agreed with him. that in life, you shouldn't have regrets. i just hope he finds someone he could share a sunset with again.

posted at 17:41