resolution

i started writing here believing i could actually make this the last thing i write about him. but no. three sentences and i'm a goner. i still can't let go. i'm supposed to give up on this. it has been what? ten thousand years? i'm exaggerating. but still, it has been so long ago anyone with a quarter of a brain would know that it's time to move on. that i should have moved on. and for a while there i really, truly believed i have. but again, no. i can't look back and not linger. i can't reminisce about what have been and not feel the painful betrayal. not that i was truly betrayed. that's part of the thing that would boggle anyone who hears me ranting about this five-year old dilemma. there wasn't any part in history where i could be placed under the betrayed category. how could i? we never went that far. he cheated first before we got there. and here i thought you get the girl first then you cheat afterwards. but then it's still too late for me. i was already blindly in love. stupid wretch that i am.

i need to find the resolve to get over this. to get over him. i've been happy about myself once. after the sunset that gave me my sunrise taught me how to be. and going back to dwelling in the pain have been too easy. probably because i've lived in it for so long it seems like second nature to me. but i have learned to let go of the drama for one time. i have learned to live. albeit in pretense of happiness. but i have learned that for a while. and i found that although i have been comfortable in living with that pain, the lightness of living in happiness was more exalting. and although a part of me believes i do not truly deserve that happiness, i still yearn to experience it in my existence. and even if it might seem naive, i know in that happiness i can start searching for my contentment. and finding that will stop me from being a glorious disappointment.