something good

something good's going to happen.  i'm not sure what it is.  i'm not even sure when it'll happen.  all i know is it's something good.  something i've been waiting to happen even if i'm not sure what i'm waiting for.  i was losing hope yesterday.  last night i was praying for something to keep my hope up longer.  i prayed that i wouldn't welcome the new year feeling so helpless.  and hopeless.  and when i woke up today, i just started feeling a sense of anticipation.  like you can't wait for something to happen.  something good.  something really good.  and i haven't even gotten to my coffee yet.  i guess that answers my prayers.  it's not just keeping my hopes up.  it's keeping me in good spirits. 

i've decided this morning that this coming new year will be welcomed without grudges.  i've decided to forgive.  but forgetting will be something a little harder to achieve.  but i won't be carrying my shitload to the next year.  and i'm not going to make a conscious effort to be happy, as i previously decided.  i'll be happy.  period.  the rest of my life is waiting for me somewhere around the new bend.  and i can't wait to meet it. 

 

sucking at something i'm supposed to be good at

and so i disappoint myself.  for the first time i managed to disappoint myself in something i'm supposed to do so well.  grand.  call it bragging, but i've always been good with words.  and they've always been good to me.  but at the time i needed this facility the most, it failed me.  and so i failed myself.

the interview was satisfactory.  but it wasn't excellent.  i know i said the right things.  i know i gave the right answers.  but somehow, they made me feel like i was doing something right.  and it makes me wonder if it was just me?  or is it them? 

i'd want to continue writing about this.  but then, that's not really gonna change anything.  and so life goes on.

the night that was

i got drunk last night.  lynne and i met up monette over at san malo.  initially, we planned to just have coffee since the temperature was down to 15 degrees.  but when we got over to al's diner at fisherman's wharf, no one was asking for coffee.  it's freezing out there by the harbor but we asked for san miguel draft.  by the bucket.  and what made us stay was watching this all-Filipino band play.  when you get somewhere else and see these people play, you give more respect for show bands because you can imagine how hard it is to live your dream far from home.  they even got lynne and monette to jam.  but not me.  i don't perform in public.  i figured we might be drinking a bucket over just to unwind.  but then one bucket turned to two, then two buckets turned to three, and then the bucket became tequila.  my rule number one in drinking is never to mix hard liquor with beer.  i told lynne and monette i wasn't going to take a shot of tequila.  but then i ate up all i said.  down, one shot went.  afterwards, the guy behind the bar got us into talking.  he liked us so much he mixed up kahlua with something else and served us all a jigger.  two for me since he figured i should be getting drunk.  we thought he was a bartender, turns out he was the manager.  and he ended up handing us application forms for their bar.  funny, you learn a lot on some people while your getting your ass drunk.  monette and lynne said they weren't drunk yet.  but i knew i was drunk.  so when they wanted to get in the sands, well, i said i can't put up a straight face in there.  but then, off to sands we go.  they ordered beer for them and i insisted coffee for me.  but that was after i barfed on the bar.  yep.  didn't quite made it to the washroom.  i didn't want to go to the washroom anyway.  the vomit was too close over my throat.  i wouldn't have made it to the washroom.  even more embarrassing was puking all over the pits.  so i settled for the bar.  strange thing is, i didn't make a mess.  we wiped everything with tissue and i didn't even have stain on my clothes.  after they finished their beer they must have believed i was truly drunk so we went home.  we slept over at hoi pan.  lynne and i didn't want to wake up the locals at sun yick since it was 3am.  we're back at sun yick now.  and lynne's nursing a hangover.   me?  i puked all my hangover by the sands' bar last night. 

three libras

do you know why i have a perfect circle's three libras on my homepage?  sure, i love the band.  and i love the song as well.  but the reason why i love that song is because it's my song for everyone who turns out to be a disappointment.  a sort-of reminder.  when i posted that, i have myself told never to expect anything from people anymore.  as peyton so famously said, "people will disappoint you.  i know that.  i expect that."  but then recently, i have just been disappointed again.  and not because i expected anything from that person.  it's because i trusted. 

trust.  now there's a big word for me.  i'm not much of a trusting person.  ironic since my name speaks so much of it.  but then i was failed too early in life.  i burned much too soon to establish a belief in people.  so i carefully choose the people i trust.  the one's i'd entrust my life to.  because they will be the same people who's lives i will take by my hand and hold close to me.  it's quite difficult to trust as you go along just as the last one has failed to keep it sacred.  but then they show you so much of themselves and you actually believe that this depth of soul they show you is who they really are.  and then they fail just as grandly.  it's like a pile of dominoes that falls as one mistake crashes into the other.  everything just then becomes another pile of pieces to pick. 

i thought that i trusted enough to be understood.  but then, as that song goes.. "difficult not to feel a little bit/disappointed and passed over/when i looked in your eyes and see/see you naked but oblivious/but you don't see me.." 

i decided to put out that song soon from my page.  i have enough scars to remind me as it is.  i wouldn't need that song much anymore.  people will definitely disappoint you anyway.  what's the point of trying to avoid it when it'll come get you sooner or later?  but i'm leaving everything else that comes with that pain behind.  the regrets and the disappointments.  and the people. 

here i am expecting just a little bit

too much from the wounded.

...

ever since i switched to blogger beta, none of my blog entries get cross-posted in my multiply.  pssh...  i never wanted to use blogger beta.  but that system forced me to.  grr..  i guess to everyone out there who wants to know how i'm doing out here so far, just click on my blog link.

 

behind the shades and beneath the cap

the brave ones have landed. this needs a big step from a little foot. and i've never tested my strength like this before. waving goodbye from the shuttle to my family and a few close friends, i looked at them smiling with aviator shades on my face under a mcdonald's cap ton gave me. and i was crying. i never thought i'd hate leaving them this much. lynne and i didn't talk much after the bus left megamall. we never said a word even while i was eating my aloha burger. the first thing i said to break the silence, "para kong ibibitay." i had a meal i liked but i was crying as i ate it. then stef texted me eveything that made me cry even more. lynne and i realized what it was like to endure leaving everything you love behind. and i salute to them. because it takes a lot of strength. and i have never been this brave.

moving forth with a brave face

i've come full circle in accepting that i wouldn't be where i am right now if i wasn't meant to be here. i believe that wherever this journey is leading me, it's where i'm supposed to be. i've doubted this, but i have had this rare bouts of gut-feeling that this is something i'm supposed to do. this is something that's supposed to happen. i trust in that belief. so, i will face an unknown world both brave and scared. i've never taken risks in my life. and the fact that i'm doing one now, is one of those stories i'll live to tell in my older years.

look beyond yourself and something's bound to surprise
you.