three libras

do you know why i have a perfect circle's three libras on my homepage?  sure, i love the band.  and i love the song as well.  but the reason why i love that song is because it's my song for everyone who turns out to be a disappointment.  a sort-of reminder.  when i posted that, i have myself told never to expect anything from people anymore.  as peyton so famously said, "people will disappoint you.  i know that.  i expect that."  but then recently, i have just been disappointed again.  and not because i expected anything from that person.  it's because i trusted. 

trust.  now there's a big word for me.  i'm not much of a trusting person.  ironic since my name speaks so much of it.  but then i was failed too early in life.  i burned much too soon to establish a belief in people.  so i carefully choose the people i trust.  the one's i'd entrust my life to.  because they will be the same people who's lives i will take by my hand and hold close to me.  it's quite difficult to trust as you go along just as the last one has failed to keep it sacred.  but then they show you so much of themselves and you actually believe that this depth of soul they show you is who they really are.  and then they fail just as grandly.  it's like a pile of dominoes that falls as one mistake crashes into the other.  everything just then becomes another pile of pieces to pick. 

i thought that i trusted enough to be understood.  but then, as that song goes.. "difficult not to feel a little bit/disappointed and passed over/when i looked in your eyes and see/see you naked but oblivious/but you don't see me.." 

i decided to put out that song soon from my page.  i have enough scars to remind me as it is.  i wouldn't need that song much anymore.  people will definitely disappoint you anyway.  what's the point of trying to avoid it when it'll come get you sooner or later?  but i'm leaving everything else that comes with that pain behind.  the regrets and the disappointments.  and the people. 

here i am expecting just a little bit

too much from the wounded.