there were better days than that. cici's debut was a surprising hit. we didn't think people would turn up. turns out, more people came than we expected. and the most surprising hit of all came from the people i least expected it to come from. why maturity seems to take lapsing sessions is always a wonder to me. humans completely capable of logic and control end up being so freakingly imbalanced they return to being neanderthal. i understand plights and bouts of depression and overkill. but sometimes, when they get to become too much, i just loose the sense of being the understanding buddy.
the events that came before and after that event brought a series of questions in my head. i hardly had the time lately to be all poignant and melancholial, but due to these events, i was internally harrassed. i've always understood that loving comes with pains and suffering. but what i never pictured it with was violence, blasphemy, and complete abandonment of ones' beliefs. it made me ask questions. does showing you love a person truly has to mean you have to hurt yourself? does it mean that a more realistic relationship has to be seriously, truly, undoubtedly, painful? then where does the joy of loving come from? how can a true love be so notoriously pathetic? why do people still hang on despite all the pain? "dahil mahal mo siya" i used to think that was a good answer to everything. pretty hopeless, true. but it seems to make sense. it's only now that i think that maybe it's used to be an excuse. so you don't have to address underlying fears that you have. like you might never be able to love someone that way again and have it reciprocated. after all, a relationship wouldn't be one if it didn't have magic. or that this might be the real deal after all and you might be passing up your chance. but what if the chance was to let go?
maybe te argument against me would be the fact that i have never been in love. true. but it doesn't mean i've never loved at all. i love my family, and i love my friends. and i figured that i never would do anything rethorically incorrect if anything goes wrong with my relationship with them. i'll never try to hurt them and force them to inflict pain to themselves. but then, what do i know about romantic love? i've never felt possession or submission to anyone other than myself. but still...
let's put it this way. my little cousins, nicole and pao were staying in our place one weekend when my dad happened to be in one of his lifted bouts of highness. we ended up in an argument. i was holding the tears before they fell because i didn't want my father to see me cry anymore. it was a pathetic retribution. something to make him feel that he can't get through me anymore. when i was alone in my room, it was there where i let the dam fall free. in my state of non-consciousness, i didn't realize pao had crept into te room. he came up behind me and hugged me and said, "ate, wag ka nang iyak. love naman kita eh."
now tell me, who among us knows more about love? those people who claim to give everything there is for love? me, who've never known it? or pao? who in his innocence showed maturity with grace?
who is it then?
the events that came before and after that event brought a series of questions in my head. i hardly had the time lately to be all poignant and melancholial, but due to these events, i was internally harrassed. i've always understood that loving comes with pains and suffering. but what i never pictured it with was violence, blasphemy, and complete abandonment of ones' beliefs. it made me ask questions. does showing you love a person truly has to mean you have to hurt yourself? does it mean that a more realistic relationship has to be seriously, truly, undoubtedly, painful? then where does the joy of loving come from? how can a true love be so notoriously pathetic? why do people still hang on despite all the pain? "dahil mahal mo siya" i used to think that was a good answer to everything. pretty hopeless, true. but it seems to make sense. it's only now that i think that maybe it's used to be an excuse. so you don't have to address underlying fears that you have. like you might never be able to love someone that way again and have it reciprocated. after all, a relationship wouldn't be one if it didn't have magic. or that this might be the real deal after all and you might be passing up your chance. but what if the chance was to let go?
maybe te argument against me would be the fact that i have never been in love. true. but it doesn't mean i've never loved at all. i love my family, and i love my friends. and i figured that i never would do anything rethorically incorrect if anything goes wrong with my relationship with them. i'll never try to hurt them and force them to inflict pain to themselves. but then, what do i know about romantic love? i've never felt possession or submission to anyone other than myself. but still...
let's put it this way. my little cousins, nicole and pao were staying in our place one weekend when my dad happened to be in one of his lifted bouts of highness. we ended up in an argument. i was holding the tears before they fell because i didn't want my father to see me cry anymore. it was a pathetic retribution. something to make him feel that he can't get through me anymore. when i was alone in my room, it was there where i let the dam fall free. in my state of non-consciousness, i didn't realize pao had crept into te room. he came up behind me and hugged me and said, "ate, wag ka nang iyak. love naman kita eh."
now tell me, who among us knows more about love? those people who claim to give everything there is for love? me, who've never known it? or pao? who in his innocence showed maturity with grace?
who is it then?
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